Want to Raise a Resilient Child? Stop Feeling Sorry for Them

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This Post: Want to Raise a Resilient Child? Stop Feeling Sorry For them

Written By: Jessica Manning

It’s difficult to make it in our society with a “poor me” mentality.

As a high school counselor who has worked with teenagers for many years, I’ve (sadly) witnessed far too many parents inadvertently rob their kids of their ability to reach their full potential, develop grit, and gain the empowering and self-confidence-building satisfaction of grinding through their struggles.

How? By constantly feeling sorry for them.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t express empathy to our kids when they’re struggling. And, I’m certainly not saying we shouldn’t help or guide them when life gets hard. I’m saying, that the more sorry we feel for our kids, the more sorry they’ll feel for themselves. And that “poor me” mentality won’t serve them well in the long run.

As harsh as this may sound, parents… feeling sorry for your kids won’t do them any favors. It sets them up for failure by creating a misunderstanding of how things are in the real world.

The real world doesn’t have a “fast-forward” button. Challenges and struggles are part of the process and it’s how our kids learn. 

The real world won’t deal with haphazard effort. If our kids want that college acceptance letter, internship, or job offer, they’re going to have to work for it. 

The real world won’t give our kids the instant gratification they’ve become accustomed to. Promotions, friendships, romantic relationships, and success take time and a heaping dose of grit. 

The real world isn’t always kind or gentle or validating. Our kids need to learn that life isn’t always fair or easy. 

I get it, parents… I’m guilty of it myself. Our innate desire to shield our kids from hardship is embedded within our hearts.

But when we feel sorry for our kids for the burdens they bear and inadvertently teach them to use those burdens as an excuse to give in, give up, not try at all, or blame others, we’re flat-out robbing them of the ability to take ownership of their actions and their life and giving them the green light to be “less than.”

Trust me, parents. I’m not judging. Whether my kids’ hardships are legitimate or not, they oftentimes garner my sympathy. 

They’re up late doing homework – I feel sorry for them.

They have to work a long day at their summer job – I feel sorry for them. 

They’re the only one of their friends who has to pay for their own gas – I feel sorry for them. 

But because hard is relative, it’s our kids’ perspective that determines whether those difficulties become an excuse (or crutch) to prevent them from powering through those struggles and coming out on the other side, hopefully, stronger and more resilient. 

Essentially, our kids need to know that we recognize what feels hard for them. But they also need us to teach them perspective – that they can learn to view those trials as opportunities to prevail.

Here are a few ways I’ve seen parents feel sorry for their kids and make excuses for bad behavior, poor performance, a means to lower expectations and dismiss responsibilities: 

• Allowing their child to miss a lot of school (We’re not talking about an occasional day off or hookie day.) 
• Blaming teachers for their child’s poor performance time and time again. 
• Siding with their child despite documented cases where the child was clearly in the wrong.
• Encouraging their child to quit a sport because they’re angry at the coach or because they feel their child is being treated unfairly.
• Letting their child off the hook on chores, responsibilities, and expectations because their child whines that it’s “just too hard.”

So, how do we raise kids who don’t feel sorry for themselves and who can beat the odds despite adversity? Here are three (very simplified) strategies to consider. 

1. Encourage Them Not to Compare

I don’t want to sound cold-hearted because some kids’ situations truly are so much harder than their peers. Imagine being a child going to school in addition to working 35 hours a week so you can contribute to your family’s rent, being surrounded by classmates with a rotation of new shoes and name-brand hoodies. How do you reconcile, at 16, that some kids were dealt such an easier hand than you? 

You don’t. 

There’s no reconciling why some people’s lives are so much harder than others. But our kids must understand that someone out there will always have it worse or better than they do. Until they understand that they have to take hold of whatever they’ve been dealt, regardless of what those around them have, they will not be able to overcome their own odds. 

2. Instill the Belief That “Every Difficult Situation Provides a Gift if You’re Willing to Accept It”

Humble brag here – I can find something good in practically any situation. It’s a practiced skill and one I’m intentional about reinforcing with my kids and my students.

• You struggle to make good grades despite your efforts? You may have to work harder than most to pull an A or even a C, but that sense of accomplishment will prove to be a powerful “I can do this” motivator in your life. 
• You’re having to take care of yourself a lot because your parents have to work long hours? You’re getting a head-start developing your independence. As difficult as this is, you’re learning valuable life lessons. 
• You’re not getting enough playing time on the field? Humility is one of the most admirable qualities a person can have. You’ll be able to relate to others in a special way when they experience disappointment. 

Regardless of the situation, our kids stand to learn valuable lessons about themselves and life. Be relentless in helping your kids look for the goodness that comes from struggle. 

3. Stop Making Excuses for Them

I know it’s hard, but try not to rescue your child every time they struggle. Sure, it’s okay to lend a hand when they really need it (in fact doing things for my kids is one of my love languages), BUT if we swoop in to make life easier for them every time life becomes uncomfortable or cave in every time they complain or whine or beg to be let off the hook, we’re reinforcing the notion that the rules should be different for them.

You might be able to save the day now, but what happens when they have a boss who doesn’t care what hardships they’ve encountered, a deadline that cannot be altered, or a legal system that doesn’t give second chances? 

We can teach our kids to view life’s struggles and hardships as opportunities to learn (as opposed to opportunities to make excuses and feel sorry for themselves), if we model resilience in our own lives, correct them when we see them blaming others when they fall short and equip them with the mindset that behind every struggle is a powerful lesson they can carry with them throughout life. 

About Jessica Manning

Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis. 

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