The Silent Struggle of Teen Boys: What They’re Not Saying Aloud

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This Post: The Silent Struggle of Teen Boys: What They’re Not Saying Aloud 

Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community

I’ll never forget that hot and dusty day when my son struck out swinging in his baseball championship game. He wanted to get that hit so badly to help his team win. Feeling overwhelmingly disappointed and frustrated, he tried desperately to hold back his emotions, but I watched as he quietly wiped away a few tears while walking back to the dugout.

I felt horrible for my son and the other boys when the game ended in a loss. But what made me feel even worse was listening to his coach say to my husband after the game. “That boy needs to toughen up and just shake it off.” 

I was so confused and angry. These boys put their hearts and souls into the game and winning meant a lot to them. Why was showing sincere emotion a bad thing in the eyes of this coach?

It was clear to me that he wanted to shame any player who showed any form of, what he considered “weakness,” when they were frustrated or disappointed on the field. I couldn’t help but wonder, what else was he saying to these boys when the parents weren’t around? And, how might his old-fashioned, hyper-masculine views and determination to “toughen them up” affect their outlook on expressing their emotions and their emotional health in the future? 

This made me stop and think a lot about the mixed messages we’re sending our boys about what it means to be a man.

Why do we as a culture still give the message that our boys need to project strength and “man up” rather than show true emotion?

Even movies, TV shows, and sports often reinforce the idea that a “real man” is strong, fearless, and independent. Boys don’t see a lot of role models in mainstream media who openly express emotions like sadness, fear, or self-doubt. And honestly, it’s hard for all of us to not buy into these cultural norms because they’ve been embedded in our brains for generations.

It’s no wonder that our teen boys feel pressure to “toughen up” and not be seen as “soft.” Dads especially can struggle to teach emotional openness to their sons if they were never allowed to express emotions themselves when they were growing up. 

What is the short and long-term impact of this messaging on our boys?

Phrases like “Man up!” or “Stop being so sensitive!” send the message that strength is measured by silence and that emotions are a sign of weakness. Suppressing emotions might seem like a sign of strength, but for teen boys, it can be emotionally damaging in ways that often go unnoticed until much later in life.

When boys are taught to “be tough” and hide their true feelings, they don’t stop feeling—they just stop expressing. Over time, this emotional bottling can lead to stress, anxiety, depression, and even anger issues as they struggle to process their emotions in healthy ways.

Instead of learning to talk about their feelings, they might turn inward, adopt unhealthy coping mechanisms, or shut down emotionally altogether making it harder for them to build deep, meaningful connections with others. Suppressing their emotions can also affect self-esteem and mental resilience.

When boys feel like they can’t show sadness, fear, or vulnerability, they may start believing that their emotions are wrong or shameful. This creates a cycle where they don’t just hide their feelings from others—they hide them from themselves. Encouraging them to talk, feel, and process emotions isn’t about making them “soft”—it’s about making them emotionally strong and well-adjusted for life.

In fact, parents, some of that numbness and cynicism you see in your teenage son, might be what psychotherapist Terry Real calls “Covert Depression.” He describes how boys experience the “loss of the relational”—being forced to separate from their feelings on their way to becoming men.  So what we end up with are a good number of adult men who are emotionally unavailable, and unable to feel or describe their true emotions. 

So, how can we teach our boys that it’s OK to be strong AND sensitive?

1. Understand That Boys are Born Just as Sensitive as Girls

Studies have shown that infant boys are just as sensitive as girls, if not more so. It’s through years of socialization that our boys lose permission to feel all of their emotions.

Even if we’ve been a part of that process, it’s never too late to change the attitudes within our families and help our boys learn to feel comfortable with a new definition of strength.

2. Reinforce the Idea that Strength isn’t Just About Being Physically Strong

We can expose our boys to models of emotional and moral strength. Dads and strong male figures in teen boys’ lives hold the power to teach and guide simply by being comfortable expressing various emotions and feelings.

3. Teach Them that It’s Okay to Express Their FULL Range of Emotions

Encourage them to talk about their feelings without judgment – “It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or frustrated. Let’s talk about it.” And if you don’t already, get into the practice of validating their emotions rather than dismissing them – “I get why that was really frustrating. What can I do to help?”

After the baseball incident with my son, I made sure to show him the video of Lebron James crying after his NBA championship win, along with some of his teammates and coaches. There are countless videos of professional male athletes crying after both wins and losses that you can show to your boys as examples of not hiding your raw emotions. 

4. Be Open About Your Own Challenges

We should also be open about our own struggles (particularly Dads and male role models) so our boys see that vulnerability is not weakness – it’s a true sign of strength. Share stories of strong men—athletes, leaders, celebrities—who openly discuss their struggles and emotions, showing that masculinity includes sensitivity.

5. Celebrate Your Teen’s Sensitivity, Vulnerability, and Desire to Be THEM

One of the best ways to help teen boys is to allow them to be themselves. Let them know they don’t have to fit into outdated stereotypes of masculinity and toughness. You can do this by encouraging them to pursue interests freely—whether it’s sports, music, the arts, or academics, and by allowing them to express themselves in whatever kind of clothes or hairstyles they choose. Show them that confidence comes from being authentic, not by pretending to be tough all the time. You can also reinforce the idea that being emotionally aware and caring makes them a better friend, son, sibling, and leader. 

The idea that boys must always be strong and tough is not only outdated; it’s harmful.

True masculinity isn’t about suppressing your emotions, it’s about resilience, authenticity, and self-awareness. Changing the old narrative starts with conversations we have in our homes, schools, and in society to create a world where boys feel free to be both strong and emotionally open. Our boys need to learn to process their feelings to move past them, and that ignoring their emotions only means those feelings will come out in another way.

Boys who feel safe expressing their emotions grow into men who are emotionally intelligent, empathetic, and capable of handling life’s challenges in a healthy way.

When we help develop emotional intelligence in our boys, we offer them the best chance of growing into well-rounded, emotionally healthy young men who can be wonderful partners, colleagues, parents, and friends.

If you enjoyed reading, “The Silent Struggle of Teen Boys: What They’re Not Saying Aloud,” you might also enjoy reading: 

10 Tips to Help Your Teen Boy Express His Emotions

To All the Moms Raising Sensitive Boys, You’re Doing it Right

10 Signs Your Teen is Emotionally Intelligent – Even if They Think They Aren’t