The Invisible Work of Loving Your Teenager: The Hardest, Most Thankless Kind of Love

5

This Post: The Invisible Work of Loving Your Teenager: The Hardest Most Thankless Kind of Love

Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community

I was in the kitchen the other night, standing over the sink, eating the last few bites of cold mac and cheese straight from the pot. The house was quiet except for the hum of the fridge and the faint sound of music coming from my teenage son’s bedroom. It was one of those rare moments when I could just… stop. And yet, I couldn’t.

Because upstairs, in that bedroom where the music was playing, was my son – my almost-grown, used-to-be-my-baby son. And even though I had spent the entire day doing little things for him – things he would never notice – I still stood there, thinking, “I need to remind him to study for his history test on Thursday.” “Did he turn in that form to his teacher?” “Does he have clean socks for tomorrow?” “And, when was the last time he washed his hoodie… the one he wears almost every day?” 

This is what it is to be the mother of a teenager. It’s relentless invisible labor – a million small acts of love that they may never see or appreciate… until they have kids of their own.

So much of loving our teenagers happens in the background. It’s not like when they were little when love was loud and obvious – when they clung to our leg and held our hand and fell asleep with their head on our shoulder. Love back then was bedtime stories and butterfly kisses and tiny arms wrapped around your neck.

Now, love looks different.

It looks like standing in the kitchen, cutting up fruit they didn’t ask for and leaving it on the counter, knowing they’ll grab it without a second thought. It looks like filling up the gas tank when they borrow the car because you know they won’t remember until they’re running late. It looks like biting your tongue when they say something ridiculous because arguing about it would just push them away.

It looks like texting them funny memes just to keep a connection. Like sitting through three hours of a movie you don’t care about because it’s the only way they’ll hang out with you. Like saying “Drive safe” every single time they leave, even though they roll their eyes and say, “Okaaay, Mom… geez, I know.”

That’s what loving your teenager looks like… 

Here are just a few ways we love our teens – things they just don’t see:

The Sleepless Nights

My son doesn’t see the way I lie awake at night worrying about his grades, his future, whether he’ll ever get those college applications finished, and how I wish I could take his heartache away because his good friend of ten years is suddenly pulling away and ghosting him. He doesn’t see how I replay conversations in my head over and over wondering if I handled it right, how I ponder whether I was too hard on him or too easy, or how I can’t fall asleep until I hear the sound of him pulling in the driveway when he’s out with friends. 

The Held-Back Advice

Oh, the times I’ve wanted so badly to tell my kids what to do or how to handle a situation, but I held my tongue. Not always, of course… sometimes, I can’t help myself – especially when the stakes are high. But oftentimes, I pull back so they can figure it out on their own. And, the times I’ve wanted to say, “Well… I told you so!” but I kept my mouth shut.

If they only knew the number of times I’ve chosen silence to give them a chance to make those choices – even if it meant them failing miserably. I know it’s how they learn. I know it’s how they’ll build resilience. I know it’s how they’ll mature and prepare themselves for life outside of my four protective walls. But it’s so so hard. 

The Quiet Sacrifices

How many times have you put a $20 top back on the rack so you could afford that new hoodie your son wants or those new trendy leggings your daughter has been dying for? How many times have you rearranged your entire schedule so you could make it to your son’s practice or stayed awake utterly exhausted just so you could pick your daughter up from that party on Friday night? We may have to remind them to say thank you or, maybe they say it without prompting, but so often, the everyday sacrifices we make for our kids go quietly unnoticed. 

The Extra Effort in the Background

My son doesn’t notice that his favorite hoodie, the one he wears every single day, somehow always ends up clean and folded at the foot of his bed. He doesn’t see the effort it takes to keep the fridge stocked with the snacks he likes, or how I add extra protein to his meals because I know he forgets to eat breakfast. He doesn’t realize that I memorize his schedule better than my own so I can remind him (without making it seem like I’m reminding him) about his dentist appointment or that history test he mentioned in passing. And he definitely doesn’t see the way I cry sometimes – just a little – after he walks out the door because I miss the little boy who used to run to me with open arms instead of giving me a quick nod on his way out the door.

The Emotional Punching Bag

The eye-rolls, the one-word answers, the attitude, and sometimes, the downright rudeness – our kids absorb the chaos of growing up, and sometimes, we’re the ones who deal with the fallout. It’s hard. It’s unfair. And, yes… it stings. And, even though we stand our ground when we need to, deep down, we know it means we’re their safe place and they trust us enough to be real. And that’s its own kind of love. 

The Endless Worrying

Checking the weather before they leave, tracking their location when they’re driving, hoping they don’t cave into peer pressure and take that “one” pill, and praying they remember at least “some” of the life lessons we’ve pounded into their heads. The worrying – oh, so constant – comes with the territory of loving your teenager. And yet, when we express our worries to our kids, we get “Geez Mom… you worry about everything!” Yesss… yes, we do. It’s just what we do. 

The Behind the Scenes Preparations

Making sure they have a few bucks in their wallet. Making sure their uniform is clean for Saturday’s game. Getting their prescription filled for their acne. Things they don’t even realize we’re doing. The list goes on and on, too. We’re constantly thinking about them and how to make their life a little easier.  

The Emotional Restraint

When they roll their eyes, talk back, or try to bait you into an argument, every instinct screams to react – to match their energy, to prove a point. But instead, we take a deep breath, swallow our pride, and be the adult in the room. We try to remind ourselves that their attitude is often just misplaced frustration, growing pains, or even a silent cry for connection and that we’re modeling emotional regulation so they can learn. It’s exhausting, unfair, and sometimes infuriating – but we try so desperately to be the steady in their storm because it’s truly one of the greatest gifts we can give them.

The Forever Love They Don’t Fully Understand (or Appreciate) Yet

Loving your teenager means loving them unconditionally, (even when they act like they don’t need you), forgiving them, nurturing them, guiding them, and giving them the latitude and freedom to grow and learn. We’re constantly showing our love in a million different, unnoticed, ways. If only they realized that they are walking extensions of us – we feel everything they feel. Every joy, every heartache, every win, every loss – our hearts feel it. They are part of us today, tomorrow, and forever.

The Weight of Unseen Love

Sometimes, I wonder if all of this – the laundry, the grocery runs, the late-night worrying – makes a difference. If my son doesn’t see it, does it even count?

But then I remember: this is how love works. The best kind of love is the love that asks for nothing in return. The love that is given freely, quietly, and consistently. The kind of love that builds a foundation so strong, they don’t even realize they’re standing on it.

One day, maybe when he’s grown and gone, he’ll think back and wonder how his favorite hoodie was always clean. Maybe he’ll find himself standing in his own kitchen, eating cold mac and cheese straight from the pot, worrying about a kid of his own. And maybe then, he’ll understand.

Until then, I’ll keep doing the invisible work. Because that’s what mothers do. All of this, done quietly. All of this, done out of love. All of this, because they are our world. 

If you enjoyed reading, “The Invisible Work of Loving Your Teenager: The Hardest, Most Thankless Kind of Love,” here are a few other posts you might like:

Mamas: Here Are 10 Things Your Teen Son Quietly (and Desperately) Needs from You

From Toddler to Teen: 12 Things Your Teenager Will Never Outgrow

My Precious Son: I Miss Your Littleness, But I’m in Awe of the Man You’re Becoming