Sorority Rush Blues: How to Help Your Disappointed Daughter

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This Post: Sorority Rush Blues – How to Help Your Disappointed Daughter

Written By: Suzanne Hanna, Ed.S., ALPC

If you have indulged in the guilty pleasure of watching Alabama RushTok – or any live Sorority Bid Day activities – you’ve witnessed the squeals heard ’round the world and seen the carefully curated excitement plastered all over social media.

Girls post that they are “Finally HOME!” and “I cannot LIVE without my forever sisters!”

There is an unmatched euphoric vibe, which has emblazoned itself into the psyches of our daughters: they want to feel part of this excitement and sisterhood. And, it’s easy to understand why. It’s our natural human need to be part of a group.

Sorority Rush is an emotional rollercoaster…

For some, it’s a euphoric rush of sisterhood and celebration; for others, it’s settling for a house that wasn’t their first choice or facing the crushing reality of rejection. The experience can be thrilling, exhausting, and heartbreaking all at once, leaving many to question whether the process is about finding belonging or simply surviving the selection. 

The Art of Recruitment: You Can’t Deny The Brilliant Effort

There are certainly people who are critical of sorority rush and openly critique all aspects. While I understand some of the arguments against the process itself, I wholeheartedly give the sister props: the sheer amount of logistical organization that goes into rush astonishes me.

The sisters are ON IT and are organized, brilliant, and exceptional marketers. It’s truly impressive because they somehow outdo themselves every year. The creativity and work ethic are nothing short of incredible. Don’t ever wonder if women can take over the world: this is exhibit A!

Behind the Bid: The Darker Side of Rush

On the other hand, the darker side of Rush isn’t quite so pretty…

Behind the colorful balloon arches (gorgeous!), matching outfits, Greek-lettered gifts, and promoted fizzy drinks, some girls are walking away with their heads hanging, their hearts broken, and their identities shaken.

It’s SO heartbreaking to see these precious souls, who did nothing wrong, not receive the bid they dreamed of or, worse, not receive a bid at all. At least the girls are told in a delicate matter by their rush group leader (called a Rho Gamma at most schools: she’s a neutral Panhellenic representative who is like a camp counselor for her rushee group) before bids are distributed so they aren’t publicly shamed. The harsh reality is that many girls walk away feeling completely dejected.

The Rush Aftermath: The Ecstatic, The Disappointed, and the Devastated

As a Life Coach for College & Teen Girls, I have coached many girls through rush and witnessed the extreme highs and terrible lows.

My clients ride the roller coaster of emotions, and I’ve seen some giddy with the excitement of landing their dream house and others feeling truly dejected and wanting to move back home. In my experience, Rush ends with three groups of girls:

1. Those who received a bid from their first choice sorority and are ecstatic.

2. Those who received a bid from a second or third-choice sorority and are disappointed they didn’t get into their “first choice.” 

3. Those who did not receive a bid from any sorority (or got cut along the way) and are completely devastated.

Understandably, the last two groups need support as feeling rejected presents a tough situation for all involved.

A Mom’s Heart During Rush: Hoping, Worrying and Feeling It All

Being the mother of a daughter who was not chosen and who is grappling with crushing disappointment is a horrendous feeling. Your baby girl is miles away and is blubbering on the phone (after your last opposite conversation with her when she was yapping and giddy about possibly getting the sorority bid she dreamed of), and you feel utterly helpless.

Mothering a college kid is hard enough (I have a college kid–it’s brutal), but when she is emotionally wrecked and you can’t hug her or support her the way you’d like, it’s truly heartbreaking.

I could tell my daughter that this experience “will make her stronger, that it will help her realize her real friends, and that it will steer her in an even better direction.”  But, that’s not what she needs to hear right now. It’s okay for her to hurt and it’s okay for me to hurt right alongside her–that’s love.

Three Things You Can Do to Help Your Baby Girl

Here are some things you can do to help your daughter if she’s disappointed (or crushed) when Rush Week doesn’t turn out as expected.

1. Let Her Cry, Snot Bubbles and All

It might seem like she’ll never stop, but she needs to release her feelings and emotions. She’s been on stage for weeks, and she has put herself out there in ways she never has before.

She’s exhausted, and she needs to let it out. Whether she cries or yells or goes silent, tell her how proud you are of her bravery and fortitude. Words matter. Encourage her and don’t put down the process too much–she may still want to be in a sorority and you’ll regret being negative.

2. Encourage Her to Get Involved in Other Activities, Pronto

If she is rushing in the Fall, there will be a host of freshmen activities happening that she can immediately join. If it’s Spring, she can find many activities posted in the Student Union and at the Office of Student Affairs.

Universities have so many activities and clubs for students if they take the time to look. Her RA is also a great resource for finding campus activities and organizations she might like. (Resident Assistants are college students who live in the dorms and help other students with their academic, social, and personal needs.) Religious and service organizations are also wonderful spaces for support and community.

3. Send Her Some Lovin’ From Home

Mail her something from home that she loves and include a handwritten note. She needs as much home and mom lovin’ as she can get right now.

Make her a beautifully packaged treat from home (if you aren’t crafty, get some pretty tissue paper and confetti to jazz it up) that includes her favorite candy, treats, magazines, comfy jammies or socks, or anything else comforting she might love. She needs a personalized gift (remember she was hoping she’d get personalized gifts from a sorority, so you are filling this void). Receiving a taste of home is just what the doctor ordered.

Remember, too, if you feel like she is suffering more than necessary, please encourage her to reach out to her campus counseling center, find a life coach, or schedule some time with a therapist. She might need extra support (which is totally normal), and you need peace of mind, mama.

Life Does Go On and She WILL Learn from This Experience

Life always goes on, and, in time, she will find her people and her place in college. Never doubt that you are a wonderfully supportive mother. This is just plain hard, Mom. 

Also, parents please share your own experiences if/when you went through Rush Week in college or whether you’ve dealt with something later in life that was rush-like. I’d love to know since our experiences and lessons learned can prove invaluable to our daughters. 

About Suzanne Hanna, Ed.S., ALPC

Suzanne is a mom of a teenager and a college kid, a wife, and a lover of books, long walks, and good food. As an Assistant Principal in high schools, Suzanne has witnessed firsthand the stresses and expectations placed on teen and college girls. She is now a Life Coach for College & Teen Girls and can be found on Instagram or her website Suzanne Hannah Coaching.