Should My Teen Ditch a Friend Who’s Making Bad Choices? Well, It Depends

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This Post: Should My Teen Ditch a Friend Who’s Making Bad Choices?

Written By: Jessica Manning

It was a Saturday night and I was sitting at my kitchen table with my 13-year-old son and two of his best buddies that he’s known for years while my husband taught them a card game.

As I sat there listening to my son and his friends laugh and joke around while inhaling snacks at a speed that defies the laws of physics, I couldn’t help but think how fortunate my son was to have such wonderful friends. But I also couldn’t help but wonder… as they mature and venture through the second half of middle school and into high school, would they remain friends? 

You see… I’ve walked this journey with my two older sons and I’ve seen friendships that I thought would last fade and fizzle out and others I thought may never last develop into long-lasting, meaningful friendships that withstood the test of time. 

As a mom of teens and a high school counselor who has worked with teens for years, I’m not naive to all the factors that affect teenagers’ relationships as they age. One day they’re hanging out and having a great time playing cards, and in the blink of an eye, they’re going their separate ways on a Saturday night, because some of them have decided to dive head first into the party scene and others have chosen not to. 

It’s a tricky reality for teens to navigate – realizing that their friends, whom they’ve perhaps done life with thus far, have developed different definitions of ‘right versus wrong.’

For example:

Your son’s longtime friend starts spending time with a group of kids who vape and are dabbling in drugs.

Your daughter’s bestie confides in her that she’s having sex with her boyfriend, and your daughter disapproves.

Your daughter’s friend group is always gossiping and judging others and it makes your daughter uncomfortable.

Your son’s friend group is constantly making sexual jokes and talking about their most recent hookup.

Your son’s weekend hangouts have changed from innocent card games to friends bringing alcohol and leaving to party hop. 

Situations like these can leave teens feeling damned if they do and damned if they don’t – (not that they’d actually use that phrase).

If they do call their friends out on their behavior or question their morals, their friends might deem them judgemental or “holier than thou,” as in, “Apparently, you think you’re better than me?” If they don’t say anything, they risk their association with these friends getting them in trouble or leading others to question their beliefs. 

With my own kids, I’ve been intentional in asking them about their friends. “Are they still close to them?” “Are they drifting apart? And, if so, Why?” “Are their friends’ actions and behaviors aligning with their own values? If not, why?”

As parents, we would never purposely encourage our kids to get caught up in the wrong crowd – especially knowing how much influence our teens’ friends can have in their lives. And, it’s important for our kids to understand that their identity is inevitably affected by those with whom they most closely associate, but… should they ditch a friend who’s making bad choices?

Does having “moral variations” mean our teens can’t be friends with someone?

The answer is, not necessarily… friendships can survive differences in morals and values, but it largely depends on a few key things:

1. You Do You and Let Them Do Them

Respect goes both ways.  If the friend respects your teen’s choices and doesn’t pressure them to do things they’re uncomfortable with, the friendship can still work. But if they mock, push, or guilt-trip them? That’s a red flag. Also, no one wants a friend who acts like the moral police.

Your teen needs to have a strong sense of what they believe to be right versus wrong, but they ALSO need to accept that people have different morals for various reasons. Different doesn’t always mean bad. And more importantly, just because someone makes (what your teen thinks are) bad decisions, doesn’t mean they are bad people. 

2. Lead By Example

Trying to force their values on their friends likely won’t work. Sometimes, just by sticking to their own values, (and not being judgy), your teen can inspire their friend to make better choices, too. Just as many adults have an unspoken understanding within their friendships about differing beliefs, teens can as well.  

3. Boundaries Need to Be in Place

It’s okay to say, “Hey, I care about you, but I’m not into that.” A good friend should respect boundaries without making it weird.

4. Don’t Be Afraid to Broach the Subject

If your teen feels their friend is on a slippery slope – (perhaps skipping school or dabbling with drugs, for instance) – should they say something? The answer is, Yes. Good friends need to have each other’s back and sometimes, that means having honest, well-meaning conversations. They could say something like, “Hey, listen. I’m worried about you. I’ve noticed you’ve been (insert behavior that concerns them). I just care about you and want the best for you. What’s going on?” True friendships built on respect should be able to withstand compassionate, honest conversations.

5. If the Friendship Matters, Make it Work

Before you encourage your teen to ditch a friend, have them ask themselves how much the friendship matters to them. It’s OK to allow the friendship to look different than it used to. Maybe they only hang out at school, because they disagree with their choices outside of school. Maybe they remove themselves from the group chat and only communicate individually with friends. Just because they interact differently, doesn’t mean they can’t maintain a friendship. 

6. Know When to Talk Away

Not all friendships are meant to last. Sometimes they fizzle out because of logistics, time, or a shift in interests, and sometimes friends come to the conclusion that their core values have become too vastly different to continue having a role in each other’s lives. If the friendship starts feeling toxic, one-sided, or unsafe, it’s best to step back. A real friend won’t make your teen feel bad for being true to themselves. Remember, though, just because they’re not necessarily friends anymore doesn’t mean they can’t be friendly. 

Quite often, teens have an epiphany – typically toward the end of high school – a realization that different doesn’t mean ‘bad,’ as well as a softening of heart toward others’ choices, as in they just don’t seem to care or hyperfocus as much about what other people are doing.

Perhaps it’s because, by that time, they become more secure in their identity. But this dilemma of realizing that (at least some of) their friends don’t have the same morals is almost inevitable. 

In fact, one of my biggest regrets from my own high school experience is that I cut ties with some friends I’d known since kindergarten because I was afraid of the notion of “guilty by association.” By the time I realized, late in my senior year, how fun and interesting those friends still were – despite our differences in morals – I’d missed my opportunity to enjoy them.

Bottom line: Your teen doesn’t have to completely ditch a friend just because of different choices, but they DO have to protect their own values, well-being, and boundaries. A healthy friendship is one where both people feel respected and safe. Help your teen understand that although it can be disheartening to see friendships change, it doesn’t always mean the friendship has to come to an end. 

About Jessica Manning

Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis. 

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