Parenting a Troubled Teen With Your Ex

Do you and your ex share the same views about your approach to parenting? In an ideal world, you’d be united and in total agreement regarding parenting your children. But, there are bound to be conflicts, arguments, and frustrations on both sides. This poses more than one issue regarding parenting a troubled teen. Your teen may recognize the strife between the two of you and use it to his advantage by lying and being manipulative.

Consider the teen who spends his weekends with his other parent. He may lie, use deceitful tactics, and try to manipulate your ex into doing things the way that he wants. This could include being untruthful about schoolwork that needs to be finished over the weekend, telling lies about any restrictions he’s under for his poor behavior, or simply embellishing a tale about how you treated him or spoke to him during an argument.

What can you do to address any concerns and ensure that both parents are on the same page regarding how your teen should be treated in each home?

To successfully co-parent your teen, you will need to set aside any anger, hurt, or resentment you have regarding your relationship with your ex. All of this should take a back seat to the more critical needs of your teen. This can be one of the most challenging parts of learning to work well with your ex, but it can also prove to be the most important.

Remember that co-parenting doesn’t have anything to do with your feelings or the feelings your ex may have. Instead, it is about your teen’s stability, happiness, and well-being.

• Keep your feelings apart from your behaviors and actions. It’s normal and expected to harbor anger or hurt when it comes to your ex. But your emotions do not need to dictate your actions and behaviors. Your motivation should be to do what is best for your teen.
• Don’t vent your feelings or anger to your teen. Your therapist, close friends, and family should instead be the ones you speak to about negative emotions.
• Remain focused on your children, even your troubled teens. When your anger or resentment begins to rise, try to focus on why you should be acting with grace and purpose. Your teen should be your focus.
• Don’t use your teens as messengers when you want or need to convey a message to your ex.
• Keep issues with your ex between you and them. Your teen shouldn’t be made to feel like he needs to choose between his parents.

Parenting your teen should include a significant amount of consistency. The household rules don’t need to be identical between your homes, but there must be an understanding of what each parent enforces under their roof.

Work on communication with your ex

Your relationship may have broken down due to communication issues, but now is not the time to let the past continue to influence your parenting. Positive communication with your ex is for the ultimate benefit of your teen’s well-being. If things are tense, keep in mind that you and your ex don’t always need to see each other in person. Email, texts, and phone calls can make communication easier. The goal should be to establish a conflict-free exchange with your co-parent.

• Keep emotion out of your communication. Approach your communications with the same approach you’d take at work. You’re in the business of ensuring the best for your teens, so keep things neutral, respectful, and cordial.
• Instead of making demands or issuing orders, consider phrasing things as a request to your co-parent. “You need to” could be changed to “Can we try?” or “Is it possible to…”
• Be a good listener. Even if you disagree with what your ex is saying, you should be able to listen and understand their point of view.
• Keep the focus of the conversation strictly on your teen.
• Ask for input from your co-parent when it comes to making decisions in your teen’s best interest. This is a team effort.

If you can communicate and cooperate with your ex, it’ll be much easier to make the right decisions for your teen’s well-being. It will also be much easier to recognize when your teen is trying to manipulate one parent into doing things his way.

Getting your troubled teen help

If your teen is acting up when he’s with you and is perhaps being deceitful, manipulative, and telling outright lies, what recourse for action do you have? If you can communicate healthily and constructively, you and your ex may agree on the best ways to help your teen.
There are several options to get your teen the help he needs, including some of the following:

• Individual therapy
• Group therapy
• Family therapy
• Medication options
• Boarding school

Other options may help your teen get his life back on track. The most important thing for you and your ex to remember is that this is about him and not about you and your anger or hurt.

Handling disagreements with your ex

Co-parenting your teen will involve a world of decisions you will have to make together, whether or not you enjoy each other’s company. If you can communicate and cooperate without arguing or losing your temper, decision-making will be much easier for everyone.

How do you handle things if you and your ex disagree? One parent may not be willing to send your teen to a boarding school. Can you send him on your own?

• Discuss your thoughts about boarding school with your ex.
• Consider bringing it up during family therapy sessions.
• If you have primary custody and the legal right to make medical and educational decisions for your teen on your own, you could move forward with your plans. Keep in mind that you may face anger from your ex.
• Consider mediation with your legal counsel. Be prepared to defend your point of view: boarding school can offer significant benefits for a teen in crisis.

Get help finding the resources you need to get your troubled teen back on a healthy path. When you reach out you HelpYourTeenNow you’ll be able to connect with a compassionate team that can help you find the right type of help for your teen and your family.