My Mom Never Talked to Me About Sex: Here’s Why I’m Raising My Kids Differently 

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This Post: My Mom Never Talked to Me About Sex: Here’s Why I’m Raising My Kids Differently 

Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community

The entire time I was growing up, I never recall my mom saying the word “sex.” We never had the long-awaited coming-of-age “birds and the bees” conversation that I somehow thought would take place once I reached a certain age and, as utterly confused as I sometimes was, I never felt comfortable going to her with questions.

In my house, the topic was “off the table.”

Even after I ventured off to college and was living on my own, we never talked about sex. There were euphemisms, of course, and jokes and certain phrases that related to sex, but she never had an outright conversation with me about it. 

Looking back, I remember around the age of ten or eleven, I was handed a small, pink pamphlet in school entitled, “Becoming a Woman,” along with a brown paper bag filled with sanitary pads.

I recall walking in the door after school thinking that my mom would “fill in the gaps” of my knowledge (and, boy were there gaps!), but like everything else related to puberty and sex, the unspoken message in my home was definitely, “I love you, but you need to figure this one out on your own because we don’t talk about these kinds of things.” 

Left floundering and completely clueless, I’m pretty sure my mom thought I’d just talk to my friends about getting my period, Maxipads, and feminine hygiene, (which I did), and that I’d learn anything else I needed to know about sex at school which wasn’t a whole lot at my Catholic school, except for being fiercely warned that engaging in any sexual activity before marriage was considered a serious sin. 

Growing up with the mindset that the mere mention of sex was taboo, it’s no wonder so many parents today don’t feel comfortable talking about sex with their kids – despite kids today being bombarded with sexual messages and images in movies, television shows, and on social media. 

The reality is that our kids are exposed to sexual content at a far younger age than we ever were. And, puberty now starts earlier, lasts longer, and happens with a cell phone in their hands – which means kids today have a plethora of (often inaccurate) information right at their fingertips making it even more important for parents to openly talk about and educate their kids on a variety of sex-related subjects, including pornography, masturbation, consent and boundaries, safe sex and protection and about the emotional readiness of sex – after all, sex isn’t just physical – it carries emotional weight as well. 

As a young girl, I desperately wanted to have the type of relationship with my mom where we could talk openly about sex and everything else, for that matter, but it simply wasn’t the case. I didn’t want that for my own kids. I felt a need to be open, relaxed, and factual with them when it came to talking about their bodies and anything relating to sex. 

 Here’s Why I’m Raising My Kids Differently

1.  There’s NO Shame in Talking About Sex Openly 

I don’t want my kids to grow up feeling that the topic of sex is shameful or should be brushed under the rug. It took me years to get over the shameful feelings I carried with me about the topic. I later realized that it negatively affected my body image, several of my young adult relationships, and my ability to openly communicate about my reproductive health. 

2. An Open Dialogue About Sex Leads to Healthier, Life-Long Attitudes and Behaviors

It just makes sense – and research confirms it – children who are well-informed about their bodies are more likely to make responsible decisions about their sexual health when they’re older. They are more likely to delay having sex until they’re older and more likely to use condoms to prevent sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy if they do choose to have sex. It also empowers teens/young adults to talk to a doctor about their bodies with more confidence.

3. Unreliable Sources Lead to Misconceptions and Potential Health Risks

Where do you think our teens will turn when their curiosity piques and we’re not available to provide accurate information? The internet, their friends and even the (often) liberal messaging portrayed in movies and television – all of this can lead to common misconceptions, false information, and potential health risks. 

4. Schools Only Cover the Basics

Some schools do a decent job with sex education, but they typically only cover the basics. Plus, when our kids are sitting in a classroom among their peers, they’re far less likely to go out on a limb and ask a question. Sure, it was a bit awkward when my kids and I started talking about sex, but the more we broached the subject, the less awkward it became. 

5. It Creates a Safe Space for Them to Ask Questions and Express Concern

I knew that by initiating conversations about sex with my children, I’d create a safe space for them to dive into subjects, questions, or concerns they never would feel comfortable talking about in a classroom. I think my relationship with my mom would have been much closer if I felt comfortable asking her questions about my getting my period, sex, birth control, and even what pregnancy and birth would be like. When a topic is off the table with your child, they inherently think there’s something bad or wrong about it. And, THAT’S the wrong message we need to be sending to our teens. 

6. The Difference Between Media Depictions and Real-Life Relationships

In this digital age, our kids are exposed to various media portrayals of sex, even when they aren’t looking for it. One minute they’re clicking on a link a friend sent them; the next, they’re redirected to a porn site. And more often than not, the porn they stumble onto may be violent and upsetting. I wanted my kids to critically consider and understand the difference between media depictions and real-life relationships. I wanted them to view relationships with a compassionate, loving, empathetic, AND realistic set of eyes – not through a distorted lens of sex and relationships. 

7. The More Educated They Are, The More It Empowers Them

In addition, when we educate our kids about physical consent and respect, it empowers them to establish and maintain their own boundaries, which leads to healthier and more satisfying interpersonal relationships for the rest of their lives. 

Here are a few things that helped make it easier for me to talk to my kids about sex:

• Talk early and often about sex with your kids. But parents, don’t ever think it’s too late to start having these conversations. Even if your tween or teen has already had “sex ed” presentations in school, they’re still bound to have questions and concerns or might want clarification on what they’ve learned or heard.
• Be honest and approachable. It’s fine to start with something like, “I know this might be a little awkward, but it’s good for you to have factual information, so let’s talk about this,” (And don’t worry about the awkwardness of it all – it does get easier.) It also helps to find the right place and time to talk. I found car rides and walks were some of the best times to have these conversations. Supplying food also helped!
• Take advantage of  “teachable moments.” I often would ask my kids what happened on the school bus ride home. Many times, this led to them talking about current rumors that were floating around school, many of which seemed to have a link to sex or sexually related behavior. Popular TV shows, songs, and TikTok are also great for generating topics. Remember, too, if you can’t answer a particular question they have, help them find resources that are based on medical evidence. (See below for helpful resources.)
• Don’t assume your child is only interested in opposite-sex relationships. Some may be curious about same-sex relationships or identify as bisexual. And some may not be interested in sexual relationships at all and identify as asexual. (Research has shown that kids and teens who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual are less likely to be depressed if their parents are supportive and they are also more likely to make healthy choices about sex and relationships.)
• Let your child know you love them and appreciate their willingness to be open with you. Open conversations about sex set the tone for a lifelong relationship of openness regardless of the subject. And, our kids need that!

Every child deserves to have factual answers to questions about their bodies and human sexuality, without shame or judgment. You might just be surprised by how quickly your kid gets over any embarrassment they feel and how these conversations can bring you closer together. 

Helpful resources for parents:

AMAZE videos

American Sexual Health Association

Preventing STIs

Nemours Children’s Health

Advocates for Youth

If you enjoyed reading, “My Mom Never Talked to Me About Sex: Here’s Why I’m Raising My Kids Differently,” here are a few other posts you might enjoy:

Teens and Sexual Consent: 8 Steadfast Rules They Need to Know

10 Ways to Help Your Teen to Say No to Sex

Why You Need to Talk to Your Teen About Sexting Now