Growing Up in a Home Where “I Love You” Flows Freely

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This Post: Growing Up in a Home Where “I Love You” Flows Freely

Written By: Jessica Manning

Did you grow up in an, “I love you” family? Are your children growing up in a family where “I love you” flows freely and authentically?

I posed this question at an adult gathering recently (Yep, I really know how to get a party started, don’t I?) I was surprised to learn that most of the people there did not grow up in families who said, “I love you,” to one another.

One of my friends shared that the first time her dad told her he loved her was seconds before he walked her down the aisle on her wedding day. Another shared that his parents say it now to his kids (their grandkids), but they never said it to him when he was a child. The majority said their parents would write it to them on special occasions, like in their birthday cards, but otherwise, they only said it sporadically. 

I felt a little sheepishly proud sharing that my parents told me they loved me all the time, perhaps excessively, when I was growing up.

My dad continues to now. I lost my mom in a car accident when I was a young adult, and truth be told, her very last words to me the day before the accident, and mine in return, were, “I love you.” We never said a “goodbye,” ended a phone call, or concluded a note or card without those words. 

My parents’ verbal affirmations afforded me the security and surety as a child and later as a teenager and then as a young adult to never, ever question how they felt about me.

What a gift!

I knew their love was unwavering and unconditional, which made it easier when I messed up and/or fell short. (Umm… that was an even bigger gift!)

The impact of hearing my parents’ love, in addition to seeing and feeling it through their actions, was quite possibly one of the greatest blessings I could have received developmentally, which is why the, “I love you(s)” flow freely and abundantly at my house now.

What’s more empowering than knowing that nothing you could do would make your parents’ love and belief in you falter?

I’ve learned working as a school counselor that many families do not communicate similarly to mine, and that’s OK. Every parent draws from their own experiences, and their own culture, upbringing, and beliefs. 

But through my job, I have also learned that teens do wonder about their parents’ love more than their parents think. I have had innumerable students tell me that they do not know if their parents love them or if they’re proud of them.

I believe, fully, that their parents would be heartbroken to hear it.

If you’re a parent who struggles to express their feelings, please know I’m just speaking from years of experience with teens.

Your teen needs to hear you say it… “I love you.”

When I talk to students about their relationships with their parents, I’ve stopped saying out of an effort to reassure them, “You know your parents love you, right?” because I’ve had enough students stop in their tracks and answer that they’re not so sure. 

I’m not saying parents have to verbalize their love to make their kids feel it. But I would say that the benefit of verbalizing your love leaves no doubt for teens who developmentally think in black-and-white terms, as in, “If my parents don’t tell me they love me, maybe it means they don’t.”

One of my friends who did not hear those words as a child shared that he didn’t need to hear them – he knew his parents loved him. He shared that saying, “I love you,” makes him feel awkward and uncomfortable, which is why he doesn’t say it to his own kids, either. I can respect that. Families often have generational patterns of existence that work for them.  

Maybe you didn’t grow up in a home where it was said to you. Or maybe you’re not one to express your emotions, but it’s worth a try, isn’t it, to make sure your teen never wonders?

Instead of assuming your teen knows, just tell them. In this lifetime, your kids will only get a certain number of people who truly love them dearly; make sure they know you’re one of them. 

Your teen also needs to know you’re proud of them. 

Several years ago, our school had a star basketball player with a certain habit on the court that often got spectators’ attention. No, it wasn’t dunking! He was constantly looking in the stands for his dad.

Whether he’d fouled, made a fancy lay-up, stole the ball, made a three, or turned the ball over, he’d inadvertently look at his dad in the bleachers afterward. Sometimes, it was merely a quick glance; other times they’d carry a full conversation. It aggravated a lot of fans, his own team’s, especially. 

But I knew this student-athlete well, and I empathized with him because I understood what was really happening. He was looking for his dad’s approval. The state of his relationship with his dad seemed dependent on the state of his game. 

Could you imagine constantly wondering if your parents were proud of you?

Many teens feel like they’re fuddling their way through life during this phase. Being a teenager is hard!

They’re prone to making mistakes and sometimes bad choices. They need reminders and boundaries. And for those kids who especially struggle to stay on track, they might feel like they hear more about their inequities than anything else. No wonder they might question how their parents are feeling about them.

Maybe your teen is making choices that don’t make you proud right now. But there are so many layers to our kids; they need to be reminded of the goodness within them. To let your teen know what’s in your heart, try being specific by saying something along the lines of:

“I’m proud of how resilient you’ve been through hard times.”

“I’m proud of how loyal and caring you are as a friend.” 

“I’m proud of how your wonderfully goofy and fun-loving spirit brings so much joy to others.” 

“I’m proud of how you’re balancing school and sports and work… I know it’s not easy for you.” 

Don’t we all need a little reassurance once in a while?

Yesterday, as a student left my office, I told him, “Hey, you’re doing a good job being 17.” He got teary-eyed and replied that it doesn’t feel like it sometimes, which made me teary-eyed!

Trust me, deep down, most teens want to please their parents and they crave validation from them.

Keep in mind, that they’re also growing up in an era that perhaps seeks more affirmation than we did as teens. Don’t make them wonder – I know you love them; I know you’re proud of them – let them hear you say it. 

About Jessica Manning

Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis. 

If you enjoyed reading, “Growing Up in a Home Where “I Love You” Flows Freely” here are a few other posts you might enjoy!

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