Dear Parents, Who Your Teen is At Home Isn’t Who the Rest of the World Sees

This Post: Dear Parents, Who Your Teen is At Home Isn’t Who the Rest of the World Sees

Written By: The Raising Teens Today Community

There’s really no gentle way to say this… lately, my son has been an ABSOLUTE BEAR to deal with. He’s been argumentative, moody, sassy, and pushing boundaries left and right. It’s all so exhausting…

But here’s the crazy part, when I picked him up after his football practice, his coach came up to me and told me what a joy my son is to have on the team and how much he and his teammates look up to him and appreciate his team spirit and kindness.

Really? Are we talking about the same kid here?

It’s like a real-life scenario of Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hide. He’s one way at home and a completely different person when he’s with… well, practically everyone else. 

But parents, here’s what I’ve realized about our teens. So often (not always, of course) they’re a walking paradox.

We get the brunt of their intolerance, irritability, snarkiness, and oftentimes downright rudeness. Yet, their teachers, coaches, friends, and even their friends’ parents are quick to tell an entirely different story.

“Wow… your child is so kind, polite, and responsible. You must be so proud.” All the while you’re left wondering if they got the wrong kid. 

The fact is, the version of our kids we see at home is quite often their raw, unfiltered self. Why? Because “home” is their safe space – the one place on this planet where they can truly let their guard down, feel how they’re really feeling, and process the frustrations and complexities of life as a teenager. 

Here are five areas where your teen might act out at home and why this doesn’t define who they are in the outside world:

1. Emotional Outbursts: Your Teen’s Release Valve

One minute your teen might be laughing on the phone with their bestie and the next they’re slamming their bedroom door accusing you of ruining their life. Why? Because the world’s pressure is lifted when they’re with you.

When they’re at school, at practice, at their part-time job, or hanging with friends they’re navigating a minefield of expectations. They’re “supposed” to act a certain way in front of teachers, coaches, and bosses. But when they get home, the wall comes down, the dam bursts and YOU get the glory of dealing with the flood of their emotions. It’s not that they’re intentionally being disrespectful, it’s merely that they know and trust that you’ll love them no matter what – even when they’re not quite so loveable. (That doesn’t mean we should ever make excuses for their disrespect.)

2. Laziness at Home, Yet Responsible Elsewhere

Do you feel nearly certain that your teen is incapable of cleaning up after themselves, cleaning their bedroom, or hanging up a wet towel if their life depended on it? Yet, oddly enough, their friends’ parents welcome them to their home with open arms claiming what a great guest your child is and how respectful and helpful they are. 

 If so, you’re not alone. It’s fairly common for teens to manage a structured environment outside of the home pretty well and then completely crumble when their parents ask them to take out the trash, for instance.

They’re trying to manage a ton of external accountability and it’s exhausting for them. Teachers give grades, coaches set expectations, and managers evaluate performance. At home, they don’t have that kind of pressure to deal with. They might think, “Mom won’t fire me for not taking out the trash,” so, I just won’t do it. 

3. Friendships: Who They Are With Friends vs. At Home

Chameleons – that’s what teenagers are. They have several different personalities depending on who they’re with. Coach? Professional, helpful, kind. Friends? Supportive, funny, easy-going, talkative. You get the picture… 

Yet, they’ll walk in the door grumpy, moody, and quiet. It’s no wonder parents feel as though they get the worst version of their child because… well, they DO! The reason?

Your teen is hyper-focused on how others perceive them. Add on the fact that their ultimate goal is to feel accepted and they’re most definitely going to put their best foot forward. They’re going to try to impress others, be likable, and hopefully, fit in. At home, all bets are off. They don’t care about impressing you, fitting in, or being accepted. The good news is, they do eventually outgrow this “all about me” attitude. 

4. Conflict, Rules, and Boundary Testing

With my kids, there were times when it felt as though every conversation turned into a debate (or argument) about screen time, chores, curfew, or cleaning their room. But I’ve learned that teens are notorious for pushing those boundaries and challenging authority at home.

A lot of it has to do with a desire for more autonomy in their lives. They’re testing how far they can go while still relying on the safety net of your unconditional love. In the outside world, where authority figures hold more clout, they’re more compliant because the stakes feel higher.

5. Quiet at Home, Social Butterfly Elsewhere

I’d ask my son how his day was and I was lucky if I got a “Okay,” or “Fine.” Most of the time I just got a monosyllabic grunt in response. Then, 30 minutes later, I’d hear him chatting away with his buddies on the phone with the energy of an Ever-Ready Battery. 

Teenagers are notorious for reserving their emotional energy for their friends, which means, parents, we get the scraps of their attention. This isn’t necessarily a reflection of their love for us – it’s simply a reflection of their priorities. Their friends are their world so sharing all the details of their social life with us just doesn’t seem that important to them – in fact, it can be exhausting to them. 

How to Deal With It When Your Teen Saves the Best of Their Behavior for Everyone Else

It’s easy to feel unappreciated or discouraged when your teen saves their best behavior for the outside world. But remember, their behavior at home is a testament to your relationship. It means they trust you enough to show their unfiltered, vulnerable selves.

Here are a few tips to keep their behavior in perspective: 

1. Don’t Take It Personally: Their crummy moods and/or lazy tendencies aren’t a reflection of your parenting. It’s a reflection of the safe space you’ve created. 
2. Set Boundaries with Compassion: Of course, it’s okay to let them decompress, but they still need to respect household rules and contribute to the family.
3. Celebrate Their Wins Outside the Home: When teachers or coaches praise your teen, take pride in knowing you helped shape that version of them! You’re doing great!
4. Be Patient: It won’t be like this forever. With time and guidance, they’ll carry the lessons they’ve learned at home into the wider world.
5. Show Them Grace: Remember, growing up is hard. Offer the same understanding you’d want for yourself on a tough day. (Again, that doesn’t mean tolerating blatant disrespect.) 

The version you see of your teen at home – you know, the one who steals all your forks, leaves clothes all over the floor, and snaps at you for what seems like no reason at all, isn’t the sum of who they are. 

Outside the walls of your home, they’re maneuvering in a complicated world that can be overwhelming and exhausting. They’re learning how to live without you by their side every moment and they’re succeeding in so many ways you may not even see. So, the next time someone compliments you about your child, remember… it’s living proof you’re doing more than a few things right! It’s proof you’re raising a great kid!