The Impossible Standards of Being a 21st-Century Mom

As a modern mom, I’m well aware of the fact that I’ll never get everything right. While there’s no perfect parent, there certainly are endless expectations for all of us to be just that. Between social media, older generations, and other outside opinions, it sometimes feels impossible to get motherhood right. Tuning out the noise when it comes to your motherhood journey can be a challenge, but I’m here to tell you how important this practice is. After all, we know our children best. Let’s take a look (and perhaps a laugh) at some of the impossible standards that 21st-century moms are up against.

10 Unrealistic Expectations Placed on Modern Moms

We all know how hard motherhood is. Add on the impossible expectations that society places on each and every one of us, and it’s all that much harder. Here are some of the demanding (and often unattainable) standards of being a mother in this day and age:

1. Cultural Idealization of Motherhood

While motherhood is a beautiful thing, the fact that society often romanticizes being a mom as a completely self-sacrificing, endlessly nurturing role is not. The “mom guilt” that comes with being expected to always put our children’s needs above our own is real, but it shouldn’t be. We’re humans, not martyrs. We’re allowed to set boundaries and prioritize our self-care — without feeling shameful.

2. Social Media and the Highlight Reel

Speaking of the idealization of motherhood, enter social media: a place where we’re constantly bombarded with the absolute best (but not necessarily most realistic) bits and pieces that influencers, family members, and friends alike have to share about their lives. Sure, it can be fun to scroll through the picture-perfect nurseries, dream family vacations, and organic homemade meals we see all over Instagram. But those depictions aren’t reality for the majority of us. And they rarely reflect the challenges we experience as parents. Unrealistic comparisons fueled by highlight reels and Pinterest boards only lead to more mom guilt.

3. Conflicting Messages About Roles

No matter how young or old our children are, we modern moms are expected to be everything to everyone at all times — while still managing our work. We’re supposed to be hands-on parents 24/7 and be the primary point person for our children . . . and we’re supposed to climb the career ladder without pause or struggle. This is a tough balance to strike and creates stress that none of us have time for.

4. Pressure From Peer and Family Networks

What works for one mom and child might not work for another (and vice versa). While loved ones often mean well, their unwarranted “expertise” isn’t always helpful and can leave us feeling inadequate. Whether regarding infant sleep, educational choices, parenting style, or anything in between, comments like “This is what I did . . .” or “You need to . . .” can be harmful to moms who are simply trying to find their way and learn what works for their family. Isn’t that all of us?!

5. Outdated Gender Norms

When it comes to childrearing, the bar is impossibly high for moms on all fronts. Meanwhile, many people applaud dads simply for being the breadwinners. Although modern-day moms are still expected to be the primary parents, modern-day life requires many of us to lean on our male counterparts in order for us to grow personally and professionally. People shouldn’t always assume that mom is the primary caregiver, as outdated gender norms simply aren’t conducive to all 21st-century families.

6. Mom Shaming

People love to give moms unsolicited feedback on their parenting-related choices. For starters, we’re expected to breastfeed our babies for the first year, but we get told our little ones are “too clingy” or “too old” if they’re still doing it a day past that timeframe. We’re supposed to have our children sleeping through the night as infants . . . but nobody shames the person who gives their two cents about your child’s waking habits. Mom shaming creates an unnecessary fear of criticism and pressure for us to defend our choices to everyone and their Aunt Brenda. But you can’t please everyone, and you don’t have to. Thankfully, those opinion-givers aren’t you or your baby. Their opinions simply don’t matter.

7. Lack of Support Systems

As moms, we’re expected to handle everything to the best of our ability and only “lean on the village” as needed. The issue? We can’t always handle everything on our own, and the village doesn’t exist for many families. Without adequate support — such as hands-on help from loved ones, paid family leave, or affordable childcare — the pressure we face to juggle it all can be insurmountable. This physical and emotional load leaves us feeling isolated (and even, at times, like failures).

8. Limited Representation of Diverse Parenting Experiences

Mainstream media doesn’t always reflect every unique parenting style, struggle, or familial socioeconomic difference, which is problematic, to say the least. Without access to visible evidence of other moms experiencing similar motherhood journeys, many of us end up feeling like we don’t measure up in certain areas. This only leads to further isolation.

9. Unrealistic Definitions of Success

Between the expectations of having perfectly behaved children, always-tidy homes, flawless “bounced-back” postpartum bodies six months in, strong relationships, and constant active involvement in school events and extracurriculars, all while being a mom, we’re often made to feel like we can’t win. The ways in which society defines “successful” motherhood are flabbergasting, considering that none of us are superheroes. (Okay, we all are . . . but technically, we’re still only human!) There’s not enough time in a day to accomplish everything we wish we could in our families, homes, and personal lives, and that’s okay. Success as a mother is subjective.

10. Internalized Perfection

For many of us, it’s easy to get down on ourselves when we can’t do every little thing completely “right” for our children. We think that if we aren’t perfect, we’re failing as moms and failing our kids. This perfectionism leads to self-doubt, overachievement, and exhaustion (as if moms need any more of that). Although the unrealistic societal standards of modern moms can prompt this vicious cycle, it’s important to remember that our kiddos love us just as we are. They don’t need — nor expect — perfection.

Advice for Modern Moms Carrying the Weight of the World

Being a mom in the 21st century isn’t easy. Motherhood is an incredible blessing, of course — but it comes with an extraordinary amount of pressure. Given the unrealistic standards placed on all of us day in and day out, I encourage you to step back and realize what an amazing job you’re doing as a mother. Embrace your imperfections, and don’t be afraid to set necessary boundaries and seek community support when possible. These choices can all help to counter the impossible societal demands that make it difficult to fully embrace our journeys as mothers. We’re all doing the best we can, aren’t we? That’s more than enough!