How I Handle the Pressure to Have Date Night Sex

It’s date night! You’ve got a sitter; you’re wearing your cute new pair of boots with your favorite “going out jeans” and maybe even a little mascara and lipstick. Ready for date night and date night sex. Your kids don’t even recognize you when you come down the stairs and look at you wide-eyed, wondering who this woman is. Where is the oversized T-shirt? The leggings? The mom bun?

But it is you. And you look terrific and are about to enjoy a much-deserved night out with your partner. It’s a night that will include zero “Mommy, watch this!” and “Mommy, can I have a snack?” interruptions while the two of you eat all the yummy foods and drink all the yummy drinks, watching the clock to make sure you don’t get home until after the babysitter you paid for has put the kids to sleep.

Date Night = Quality Time Together

And it is everything you hoped for, everything you needed. You talk about dream vacations and upcoming kids’ activities. And remind him to make sure to invite Grandma. You mention you’d like a new patio set, and he talks about ordering fresh mulch for the flower beds. It’s not all sexy and romantic talk, but it’s quality time together when you can look at each other’s faces and feel those tingly, “Oh yes, I remember how much I like you” feelings.

You take your last sip of wine while he pays the bill and head to the car. You both have the best intentions; we all know what else date night is supposed to include. But when you walk in the door, one pays the babysitter while the other quietly checks on the kids. Oh no, the baby is up. You can quickly quiet her down, you say to yourself. But after you put her back into bed, you figure you might as well change into your comfy PJs because these “going out” jeans are a lot snugger than they were earlier after that giant piece of cheesecake (no regrets).

Is there still a chance for date night sex? The babysitter is gone, and the house is quiet (again), but you round the corner and find your husband in the bathroom (“I’ll just be a second,” he says), so you plop down on the couch, knowing it’s going to be a lot of “seconds” until he emerges and flip on Netflix.

And before you know it, you and your partner are both snoring away on the couch, full bellies swelled in loose, comfy pajamas, no date night sex to be had.

Date Night Began Causing Anxiety

Does this sound familiar? This is how it went in my house for a long time, and honestly, I started feeling anxious as I prepped for date nights, always anticipating and trying to figure out how we’d make date night sex work. Should I skip the cheesecake so my stomach doesn’t do the thing it does when I eat cheesecake? Could we speed up the babysitter payment process a bit? Is it because I change into my PJs so fast? Does that kill the mood? Does it mean our date night was a bust if we didn’t have sex? We know intimacy’s importance in a relationship, especially once you add kids to the mix. I mean, when was the last time we even had sex?

I can recall nights when we’d be sitting at dinner, and my husband would see me eyeing the cheesecake, and I’d say, “I’ll skip it,” knowing full well why. And he’d instantly respond, “No, get it. You love it. We hardly ever get to go out and have cheesecake. Enjoy it.” But he knew what that might mean for later.

Or how the window of opportunity often began to close between glasses one and two of wine. After one, I was relaxed and felt sexy, but after two, especially during the baby years when I didn’t get a good night’s sleep for nearly a decade, I sometimes could barely keep my eyes open on the drive home.

Break the Rules with the Best Hack Ever

And it was that pressure to have date night sex and do all the things to ensure date night sex — shave your legs! No cheesecake! Only one glass of wine! Pay the sitter fast! Creep in quietly so no kids wake up! — was all it was supposed to be that would end up making “date night” not very sexy or romantic.

That’s when we figured out the best date night sex hack ever — by accident. We were both getting ready one night, and he hopped in the shower with me to save time. Well, things got a little frisky in there. After some hot and steamy shower sex, we got ready, went out, ate ALL the things, drank ALL the drinks, came home, immediately changed into the loosest, comfiest pajamas we own, and fell asleep in front of Netflix feeling zero “date night sex” pressure.

And that’s been our routine ever since. All the “date night” boxes get checked — we just switched the order around.

As a mom of three kids, I want to add that no mother should feel pressure to have sex — ever. There have been plenty of dinners I’ve gotten all dressed up for, only to come home and fall asleep without any sexy time with my husband. And he always, always still kisses me and says, “Thanks for a fun night out. Love you,” no matter what.

Sex Doesn’t Always Happen, and It’s Okay

Sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes milk shoots out of your boob, or you’re covered in spit-up but dragged yourself out anyway. Or you’re so touched out you dream of climbing into a box so no one can get to you for an entire week. I get it, and I’ve been there.

We’ve come out of that tunnel on the other side now that our kids are older. My breastfeeding days are long gone. Kids don’t climb into our bed anymore. And that makes our “hack” a little easier. We don’t have babies or toddlers to worry about while we sneak away into the shower. But if you do, you can still try this trick. Just capitalize on Bluey time and put the baby in the crib with her toys. You probably only need 10 minutes, right? *Wink.

Also, while this isn’t a “hack,” I can attest first-hand to the power of communication. Date night is far better if you’re not sitting there anxious all night, feeling unnecessary pressure to have sex when really you just need to escape the kids and wolf down a pizza. The beauty of relationships is when you can say that to your partner. Like, “It’s probably not happening tonight, but let’s still have some fun.” Then the expectations are set, and you can let the night take you wherever it wants.

For us, the pre-date night shower sex hack is clutch. We get that meaningful intimacy connection we need, and I still get to dress up, wear my “going out” clothes and jewelry, and eat and drink whatever I want while we talk about patio sets.

I mean, is there anything sexier than that?