My Teens Began to Change When I Stopped Talking and Did This, Instead

I am often stymied by how to get my teens to behave in the ways I would like them to. I talk to them incessantly about healthy behaviors but it often feels like the messages I’m trying to convey bounce right off of them. As my teens have gotten older I’ve noticed that they do a lot more of what I do. I will never tell them that I’ve noticed their behavior because that would certainly ruin things but I see how effective setting an example for my kids really is. 

My son started working out with me off and on when he was in middle school. At first, I think he was doing it because it looked like fun and he had a lot of excess energy. But as time went on he started asking me questions about why I liked to work out every day. Sometimes he’d join me and stop if the workout seemed too hard. He couldn’t grasp why I wasn’t stopping when things got tough. 

I was honest with my son about why I needed to exercise

I was completely honest with him and told him that in high school I didn’t play any sports and felt my body change after puberty so I started doing exercise videos. Not only did I love the results (they came a lot quicker back then) I explained to him that I liked the way exercising made me feel mentally. I believed it really helped me with my anxiety and seasonal depression and moving my body gave me a lot more energy.

Around this time he started struggling in school. He was getting into trouble for fighting, didn’t seem to care about his grades and his temper was out of control on some days. I tried everything I could think of– talking to him about his behavior, grounding him, taking away his phone and friend privileges, and telling him how much his behavior was affecting other people.

I suggested he start exercising again because it seemed to make him feel better. He didn’t say anything about that or seem to like my suggestion until a few months later when he asked me if he could join a gym. I thought it was a fantastic idea and signed him up right away.

My son discovered exercise by watching me but he had to come to it in his own way

It wasn’t long after that I noticed a difference in his behavior; it was almost immediate. That was over six years ago and he’s still at it. In fact, we go to the gym together a few days a week and my daughter just joined and goes with us now as well. 

Working out wasn’t anything my daughter seemed interested in for a really long time so I never pushed the issue but I did mention that it might help confidence and her social anxiety. She is very quiet and struggles to do things like order food in a restaurant. Again, I never pushed her. I kept doing my thing and talking about how great a workout was or how much energy I had and now, the three of us go together and I couldn’t be happier. 

Suddenly my teens seem to appreciate clean spaces

Something else I’ve noticed about my teens as they’ve gotten older is their appreciation for tidy spaces. I’ve given up on their messy rooms which are usually a disaster and told them they can pretty much keep them as messy as they want (with the exception of food and trash) as long as they keep the door closed so I don’t have to see it. 

Messes make me anxious so I like to keep all the common areas clean and my kids know they have to do the same. Lately, they’ve all been commenting on how it makes them feel happier to come downstairs to a clean living room and kitchen and they have begun keeping their rooms clean too. Again, for the past few years I’ve let them keep their rooms how they want and I never tell them they have to clean, so this really seemed like something they started doing because they saw me do it. 

I need to change my behaviors so that I set a healthy example for my teens

I also want my kids to always know I am a safe place and I want to be the one they come to when they are struggling with something. I remind them of this often but I also know that if I want them to feel free to express themselves or ask me anything, I have to be completely open.

That means I need to be human and express myself. If I’m struggling or really sad about something I used to try to hold it in around my kids. If I made a mistake, it was hard for me to admit it. I was horrible at apologizing when I was wrong and if I was upset with someone I would give them the silent treatment. 

These were all things I wanted to change not only for myself, but to set a better example for my children. As they entered their teen years I really noticed they’d go silent on me when they were upset and they rarely apologized. 

I had to take a hard look at myself and it was tough to admit but they were acting exactly like me because that’s what I had shown them. So, I started having more grace and compassion with myself and others. I wanted my kids to know it was okay to be upset with someone and not hold a grudge forever– that you could have an adult conversation and move on without ignoring someone you care about to prove your point. 

I wanted them to see me go through hard stuff and come out of it so they would know if they are struggling, they could eventually come out the other end of it. And I wasn’t doing that by trying to hide all the turmoil from them and trying to act like everything was good all the time because we all know that’s not how life is.

It’s easy to talk to your kids but know that they are watching you

It’s easy to tell our teenagers what to do. And we’ve all been guilty of saying to them, “Do as I say, not as I do.” I’m not a model parent and I still have so many things I need to work on but one thing I’ve really lately is that my kids are watching me. 

If they see me doing something that is working, adding to my quality of life or making me happy, they are a lot more likely to try that. And letting them watch me succeed trumps any kind of verbal advice I give them. 

The author of this post wishes to remain anonymous.

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