Parents: Do Conversations with Your Teen Get Heated? Try the SOFTEN Approach

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This Post: Parents: Do Conversations with Your Teen Get Heated? Try the SOFTEN Approach

Written by: Jessica Manning

“This time, I’m not going to mention it.”

“I’ll just sit and listen and nod my head.”

“No matter what, I won’t get riled up or raise my voice.”

Our intentions are usually so good when it comes to communicating with our teens. But darn it, they make it so hard, sometimes, don’t they? 

Most conversations between teens and their parents about potentially contentious topics start off fine. But ask teenagers how they predict those conversations will end and, well… most assume, “Not well,” which is exactly why they avoid the conversation in the first place. 

Whether we’re talking to our kids about their lack of effort in school, that they’re always breaking curfew, or that we’ve asked them 10 times to clean their room and they still haven’t done it, talking with our kids about “heated” subjects takes a bit of skill on our part. 

And, if we’re being honest with ourselves, there are a few things our teens do that can really push us over the edge…

Eye rolling or no eye contact at all.

A snarky tone of voice.

Back-talking.

Limited engagement.

Defensiveness.

Deflection.

They might not mean to, but teens know how to push all the right buttons.

So why is it so hard to keep our cool when we know these things are coming? My theory is that parents don’t go into tough conversations with a strong enough game plan (and maybe the self-discipline to stick to it.) No blame here; maintaining composure during emotional conversations is so hard, and it takes practice!

I’m a high school counselor, so I have a lot of tough conversations with teens. One major difference, though, between teens having a conversation with me at school versus with their parents at home is the level of emotional stake in the game. I often ask students if they’re able to talk to their parents the way they’re talking to me, and I point out how we’re having a civilized, back-and-forth conversation without attitude or disdain. Many teens respond that they can’t talk to their parents in a way similar to our conversation, because, “It just doesn’t go like this.” 

What I’ve learned in my years working with teens day-in-and-day-out is that our approach matters. Teens are notorious for getting defensive and sassy when we tell them what to do or even offer, what we feel, are solid suggestions and ideas. 

There are things parents can do, though, to set themselves up for more productive conversations with their teens. The most tangible piece of advice I can offer parents who are navigating tough conversations with their teens is to S-O-F-T-E-N.

You’ve probably heard this acronym for nonverbal communication skills before; I learned it in a high school communications class back in the late 90’s. For whatever reason, it’s stuck with me, even through everything I learned in my graduate classes while earning my degree. It still floats through my mind and grounds me when I’m preparing for or having tough conversations with my own kids, the teens I work with at my school, and even adults, for that matter.

I truly believe that if parents keep these skills in mind while talking to their teens, their conversations will be less likely to go awry, thus potentially making their teens more likely to open up. I realize this all might seem elementary, but keep an open mind and give it a try! It works!

When conversations with your teen get heated or your teen shuts down, try the S-O-F-T-E-N approach:

Smile

If you’re frowning or your face clearly shows your anger before the conversation begins, forget about the conversation going anywhere, let alone starting! Your facial expression will set the tone for the conversation; teens notice these things.

If you can’t muster up a smile, at the very least, soften your expression so you look relaxed and approachable. (Remember, too, that a little humor can go a LONG WAY when connecting with your teen – even if they do feel your humor is corny!)

Open Posture

Make sure to position your body in a way that encourages your teen to be open with you. What this doesn’t look like is – crossed arms, crossed legs, and not facing your teen. It’s surprising to me how many teens report how rare it is for them to sit across from their parents and actually talk.

Forward Lean

Yes, this literally means lean forward while listening. The intention is to express interest in what your teen is saying. So, lean in… make sure they know that you’re trying to understand what they’re saying, that you care, and that they have your full undivided attention.

Touch

You’ll know if/when this is appropriate with your teen, but you can try gently touching them on the elbow, shoulder, or leg while you’re talking.

(Most teens are touch deprived… they just don’t realize it!) I think you’ll be surprised how much a light touch can ground a conversation and reconnect you with your teen when emotions are high. Remind them through touch that you’re in this together. 

Eye Contact

Teens are notorious for avoiding eye contact. Hence, one of the reasons parents swear that the best conversations with their teens happen in the car when they’re both staring straight ahead at the road.

But when you’re having a heart-to-heart, truly trying to get an important point across, or laying down the ground rules, eye contact can help you connect with your teen, express the importance of what you’re saying, AND reassure them that you’re listening and fully present in the conversation. 

Nod

When I took counseling classes, we called efforts like nodding, “encouragers.” You want to encourage your teen to keep talking.

Nodding and saying words like, “Uh huh, OK, I understand,” etc. will fill quiet pauses and show your teen you’re listening and want them to continue instead of you filling in those conversation voids with unsolicited advice or a parental lecture that will only trigger your teen to shut down. 

As easy as the S-O-F-T-E-N technique sounds… sometimes, our efforts as parents don’t always work out as intended. 

Case in point:

The other day a student told me her mom had suggested they go out to dinner so they could talk. She shared that their conversation started fine, but eventually, her mom became frustrated and angry, talking over her, lecturing, and claiming to know how she (the student) felt. The student told me that her mom’s reaction only triggered her anger and the conversation ended with both of them giving each other the silent treatment in the car on the way home. 

It made me feel sad for the student’s mom. Clearly, she invited her daughter to dinner in hopes of a good talk. But sometimes, even with the best-laid plans, conversations with your teen can awry. I see you, parents; I know you’re trying. And our teens need to take some ownership of how they contribute to conversations gone bad. But because we’re the adults, we have to model for them what a good conversation looks like. 

SOFTEN is a game plan that’s easy to remember for conversations that could predictably go wrong. Surprise your teens by NOT responding how they think you will, and maybe they’ll surprise you, too. 

About Jessica Manning

Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis. 

If you enjoyed reading, “Parents: Do Conversations with Your Teen Get Heated? Try the SOFTEN Approach,” here are a few other posts you might like:

Growing Up in a Home Where “I Love You” Flows Freely

Signs You’re Overly Strict With Your Teen: Why It Might Be Causing Rebellion

The Invisible Barrier Between Parents and Teens (and How to Remove It)

Tell us, parents… when you’re having conversations with your teen, what works? What doesn’t? What’s your best advice? Let’s share! Add your thoughts in the comments section below.