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This Post: From Manager to Mentor: Changing Your Approach in Your Kid’s Teen Years
Co-Written By: Amannda Maphies and Nancy Reynolds
One minute I was tying my son’s shoes, the next he was asking for the keys to the car and going on dates. I wish I could say I was ready for all this, but his deep, grown-up man’s voice, towering presence, and growing maturity snuck up on me…
He still needs me, of course. He always will. But in different ways. And, as much as I’d love to cling to the memories of the little boy who once crawled into my lap and asked for a bedtime story, this is my time to pull back a bit and give my son what he needs to one day become a man…
As my son grows and matures, I have to grow right alongside him. I need to shift from a hands-on daily manager to a supportive mentor who stands ready to jump in if and when he needs me.
It’s not always easy, but adjusting your parenting style in your kid’s teen years helps them build confidence, develop responsibility, and hone the life skills they’ll carry with them into adulthood. Trust me, I’ve learned (sometimes the hard way) that loosening the reins doesn’t mean letting go—it means evolving with them.
1. Focus On What They Do Right, Not What They Do Wrong
Do you ever find yourself treating your teen like the child they’re aching to leave behind rather than the adult they’re trying so desperately to become? Nagging, yelling, and idle threats certainly won’t groom them for adulthood.
Rather than harping on (or getting worked up) about the things your teen doesn’t do, (like ignoring repeated requests to take out the trash), STAY CALM and simply remove something they value – their phone, gaming time, or car privileges, because it’s those consequences that will remind them that in life there will always be a “cause and effect.” And, when they do something right, give them the positive praise and reinforcement they need to remind them that they’re getting a whole lot more right than wrong.
2. Offer More Privacy and Space
Instead of getting upset or feeling rejected when my son escapes to his room, (which is so easy to do), I want to give him the space, privacy, and time he needs during this time in his life. Mostly, I want him to want to come home and not feel as though his mom is going to freak out every time he closes his bedroom door.
Boundaries still need to be set, (gaming limits, spending quality time with the family, etc.), but your teen needs this time to figure out who they are and process their whirlwind of emotions. Plus, letting them have space shows you respect them and that goes a long way.
3. Take Advantage of Teaching Moments When They Arise
These are the final years, the final bell lap of the race in raising our teens. Just knowing my son is driving and that he’ll soon be off to college frightens me to no end. While I have faith in his abilities, I also know he’s about to venture into a world filled with temptation and tough decisions. This is my time to slip in as many teaching moments as I can without annoying the heck out of my son.
Everything from sex and consent to how to be a good college roommate and how to do laundry the proper way, no conversation should be off limits at this time in your teen’s life. They’re relying on you to guide and teach them… they just don’t realize it – YET.
4. Back Off on the Personal Stuff
I love being “in the know” with my son. And, for the most part, he shares a lot with me. Still, there are some things he keeps to himself and I need to respect that. Rather than pound him with questions, I’ve found that when I back off he comes to me when he’s ready.
That doesn’t mean you should never probe your teen, especially if you suspect something is wrong. A mother’s instinct is strong. However, if you feel their silence is simply normal teen behavior, try stepping back and allowing them to come to you. You might be amazed, given the no-pressure opportunity, that your teen wants to talk to you – just on their terms.
5. Put More Responsibility on Their Shoulders AND Hold Them Accountable
You don’t want to overwhelm your teen, but they need to feel the weight of some responsibility on their shoulders to prepare them for the real world and they need to be held accountable. Chores, schoolwork, and a part-time job teach them important life skills—like time management, accountability, and problem-solving. Plus, it’s also a confidence booster; the more confident they feel, the more capable they’ll feel to handle bigger responsibilities.
Remember, too, an occasional free pass is fine. But constantly letting them off the hook only leads to adults who feel entitled and struggle in the real world.
6. Let Them Face Consequences So They LEARN
This is much easier said than done, but it becomes even more necessary as our kids mature. After all, mom and dad won’t be there to bail them out when they’re a young associate, married with 2.5 kids, or facing life’s inevitable big decisions.
They need to know you’ll always stand ready to help, listen, and encourage, but learning to face consequences at a young age translates to confidence and intelligent decision-making skills later on.
7. Focus on Connection, Not Control
We can demand that our kids follow our rules, but if they don’t respect us or have a solid connection with us, what’s their motivation to listen? During your child’s often rebellious teen years, your connection with them is everything.
I know it can be difficult when you feel your teen is pulling away, but carve out time to talk a few minutes a day, ask them to go with you to grab their favorite fast food or Starbucks, or just hang out and watch a movie together. Ask about their day, their friends, their classes, and what their dreams are. The more you truly know what’s in your teen’s heart and connect with them, the more inclined they are to follow your lead.
8. Offer More Decision-Making Power
Whether it’s deciding which sport(s) they want to play, how they spend their free time, or which college visits they choose to go on, NOW is the time to give your teen more decision-making power. In fact, you want to fill your teen’s ‘power bucket’ to the brim! Not only will it give them more confidence, but it will empower them to make even bigger decisions on their own without the infamous Mom (or Dad) Control Center telling them what to do at every turn.
Your teen is growing up. And, in your kid’s teen years, you have to grow right alongside them. Whether your teen takes the lead or you nudge them along, empower them with the life skills they need to take on this world without you. Trust me, parents, they’ll thank you one day!
If you enjoyed reading, “From Manager to Mentor: Changing Your Approach in Your Kid’s Teen Years,” here are a few other posts you might like:
Here’s Why You Should Fight to Build a Relationship With Your Teen
Why I Stay Up Late with My Teen Even Though I’m Exhausted
101 Fun Mother-Teen Son Bonding Ideas
13 Ways I Sneak in Quality Time with My Son
About Amannda Maphies:
Amannda Maphies is a boy mom to Liam (14), Waylan (12), Atlas (dog), and Hamilton (cat). Manndi enjoys freelance writing based on her travels, life adventures, and pretty much anything that stands out in life as ‘story-worthy’. She contributes to several online and written publications, including Ozarks Farm and Neighbor, Raising Teens Today., Parenting Teens and Tweens, Moms of Teens and Tweens, and Her View from Home, among several others. Manndi has been published in Chicken Soup for the Soul Believing in Angels (January 2022). Her first book, Tales From My Mummy, was published September in 2022. “Live a life worthy of writing about,” is her life motto and she strives to emulate this daily.
