What to Do When Your Teen Refuses to Follow Household Rules

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This post: What to Do When Your Teen Refuses to Follow Household Rules

Written By: Nancy Reynolds

One of my friends once told me that parenting teenagers is like trying to solve a puzzle with missing pieces. She was right! One of the most frustrating parts? When they flat-out refuse to follow the rules you’ve set.

It’s easy to feel disrespected or that you’re somehow failing as a parent, but here’s the truth: It’s very common for teens to push back on their parents’ rules. 

Teenagers are hard-wired to push boundaries. Add in the fact that they’re craving more independence and it only makes sense that they’d fight you a bit when it comes to your steadfast rules. But… here’s the good news. There are ways to handle it without losing your temper, your mind, or your relationship with your teen. 

Why Teens Push Back on Rules

You’ve been asking your teen for days to clean their messy bedroom and all you get in return is, “Okaaay… I said I will! Probably tomorrow…”

Or… your teen is notorious for making themselves a snack and leaving the kitchen a disaster. You’ve asked them dozens of times to clean up after themselves and the response you repeatedly get is, “I’m just gonna mess it up in a few hours anyway so why should I clean it? I don’t see the point.”

You’re frustrated, angry, and feeling deflated. Why won’t they just listen?

First, take a deep breath. Then, dive a little deeper to find the root cause of why your teen refuses to follow your rules.

It’s not always about being rebellious for the sake of it. Here are a few common reasons:

1. They Want More Independence: Your teen is figuring out who they are, and rules can feel like they’re being held back. It’s not necessarily that they don’t care (although, let’s be honest… sometimes they really don’t care) – they just want more say in their own lives.
2. They’re Testing Limits: Pushing boundaries is how they learn what’s okay and what isn’t. (That’s why it’s so important not to be a pushover parent.) They’re figuring out what you’ll tolerate and what you won’t – even if it drives you nuts.
3. Peer Pressure: If their friends don’t have the same rules in their house, yours might suddenly seem “unfair” or “too strict” which can trigger your teen to wage war on your rules.
4. They Don’t “Get” the Rules: If the reason behind a rule isn’t clear or your teen doesn’t feel it’s fair, they likely won’t see the point in following it. 
5. They’re Overwhelmed: Hormones, school, friends, expectations and just being a teenager can make them more tired, emotional, and impulsive than they (or you) would like.

How to Get Your Teen Back on Track

The key is to figure out how to approach the situation so everyone feels heard and respected without turning it into World War III.

Here are a few tips that have worked for me when my kids fought me tooth and nail on my rules – they might just work for you, too. 

1. Take a Step Back and Reevaluate

Sometimes, we set rules when our kids are young and we don’t adjust them as they grow. Ask yourself: “Are the rules still reasonable? Do they fit my teen’s age and maturity?” If not, it might be time to tweak them. Your teen is much more likely to follow rules they see as fair.

2. Have an Honest Conversation

Instead of jumping straight to yelling, arguing, idle threats, or punishment, sit down and have an honest talk with your teen. Explain why the rules are there and how they help the family run smoothly. Then, ask for their input. A simple, “What do you think about these rules?” “Do you think they’re fair and reasonable?” “Why or why not?” can open up a productive dialogue.  I’ve found with my own kids that teens are far more likely to follow rules if they’ve had a say in creating them.

3. Involve Them in the Process

Let your teen help you come up with household rules that are agreeable to both of you as well as the consequences they’ll have to face should they break a rule. 

For example, instead of dictating a curfew, you could say, “What do you think is a reasonable time to be home on weekends?” You might be surprised by how responsible they can be! MANY times my kids surprised me! If you don’t agree with their response, strive for a compromise. “Listen… I feel like 11 pm is too late. How ’bout we compromise and say 10:30 pm?”

4. Be Consistent with Consequences

This one is tough but important. If you set a consequence for breaking a rule, stick to it. Consistency shows your teen that you mean what you say. But keep the consequences fair and reasonable – remember, the punishment should fit the “crime.”

5. Lead by Example

If you want your teen to follow the rules, make sure you’re modeling the behavior you expect. If the rule is “No phones at the dinner table,” don’t scroll through your own phone during dinner. I promise you, your teen is tuned into everything you do (and don’t do) and they’re quick to call out hypocrisy.

6. Reward Good Behavior

Sounds like something you did when your teen was a toddler, right? Well, positive reinforcement can work wonders for older kids, too.

When your teen follows the rules or takes initiative, acknowledge it. A simple “Hey, thanks for cleaning up your room without being asked” or “Thanks for putting your dishes in the dishwasher” can go a long way. You can even offer up a small reward to motivate them to keep it up. “Here’s my credit card. Why don’t you head out and buy yourself a burger at that place you love.” 

7. Pick Your Battles!

This is a BIG one, parents. Not every rule is worth a fight. Focus on the non-negotiables (like safety and respect) and let some of the smaller stuff slide. If their room looks like a disaster zone but they’re doing well in school and treating people kindly, it might not be worth the energy to argue. Some things will always matter more than others. 

8. Teach Them Problem-Solving Skills

If your teen doesn’t like a rule, challenge them to come up with a better solution that still works for the family. For example, if they hate taking out the trash, they could trade chores with a sibling. If they’re fighting you on a curfew, let them explain (in a calm, mature fashion) why you should give them a later curfew. This helps them feel more in control and teaches them valuable life skills.

9. Stay Calm

Easier said than done, right? But losing your temper only makes things worse. If your teen’s defiance has you seeing red, take a deep breath and revisit the conversation when you’re both calmer. Staying composed shows maturity and helps de-escalate the situation.

10. Offer Choices

Sometimes, giving your teen options can make all the difference. Instead of saying, “You have to do your chores right now,” try, “Your room is a mess. Would you like to clean it today or wait until the weekend? ” Choices make them feel like they have more control in their lives. 

11. Focus on Your Relationship

Your teen is more likely to follow your rules if you foster a foundation of trust and respect. Spend time with your teen, be an active part of their lives, and keep the lines of communication open. When they feel valued and understood, they’re more likely to cooperate.

12. Get Outside Help if Needed

If the conflict is escalating or your teen’s behavior is getting out of hand, don’t hesitate to reach out to a counselor or therapist. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you both navigate the rough patches.

Final Thoughts

I know it puts your parenting to the test when your teen pushes back on your rules. But remember: it’s a phase, and it doesn’t mean you’re doing a bad job.

They’re just trying to figure out where they fit in the world, and a little rule-breaking comes with the territory. By staying calm, communicating openly, and focusing on building a strong relationship, you can guide them through this tricky stage while keeping the peace at home. Hang in there!

If you enjoyed reading, “What to Do When Your Teen Refuses to Follow Your House Rules,” here are a few other posts you might like!

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