Should You Allow Your Teen’s Boyfriend or Girlfriend in Their Room?

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This Post: Should You Allow Your Teen’s Boyfriend or Girlfriend in Their Room?

Written By: Marybeth Bock

Our daughter’s declaration when she came home from school one afternoon seemed innocent enough. “Hey, Jack’s coming over in a little while. I think we’re gonna watch a movie up in my room.”

My immediate response was, “Uh, sorry sweetie, but that’s not happening. You can watch it down here in the family room.” 

As a mom, I found myself treading new territory…

My daughter was growing up, she was itching for more independence and in her eyes, a casual night hanging out with her boyfriend in her bedroom was “no big deal.”

But to my husband and me, it actually was a big deal – one that we weren’t willing to compromise on. And, let’s just say my daughter didn’t take our stance on the issue very well…

“You guys are soooo mean!”

“Are you kidding me? What do you think we’re gonna be doing in there?”

“We’re just gonna hang out!”

“Everyone else’s parents let them hang in their room with their boyfriends!”

So, are we really the only parents struggling with this issue?

Are we being too rigid with our “no boyfriends or girlfriends in bedrooms” rule? Should we compromise a bit or remain staunch? And, should our rules apply to both our sons and daughters?

I’ve come to realize that teens (mine, anyway) are notorious for making you feel like you’re the ONLY parent on the planet who sets any boundaries with their kid.

It’s a tough position to be in as a parent because standing your ground takes courage and resolve as well as the ability to block out what every other parent is doing (or isn’t doing) and stay focused on your end goal… to raise your kids the way YOU believe they should be raised and not cave in to pressure from your teen or anyone else. 

But take a few deep breaths and know that it’s never just you, parents – no matter what your teen (or anyone else) is telling you. 

Whether you allow your teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend to hang out in their bedroom, you sit on the other side of the fence with an “Oh… h#ll no” rule or you fall somewhere in between with, “Okay… but only if” stipulations, there are a few factors that might come into play when you make your decision.

(Before we dive into the subject, I think it’s important to note that a “no boyfriend/girlfriend in the bedroom” rule might serve as a deterrent, but it certainly can’t and won’t stop a “hellbent on having sex” teen from doing what they want to do. For many parents, their decision involves other factors.)

Here are a few factors that might come into play:

1. The Ages and Stages

Has your daughter or son just turned 14 or are they 17? A few years can make a significant difference in their maturity level. Younger teens often benefit from more structured boundaries while older teens might be ready for more trust and freedom.

Also, how long has your teen been dating this person? Is this a new relationship or a long-term, stable one? Longer relationships often come with a higher level of trust, especially if you know the other kid well and perhaps even have some knowledge of their family life, morals, beliefs, etc. 

2. Family Values & Respect

For some families, the bedroom is a private space, and allowing their teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend in there feels highly unacceptable. It’s also about setting a tone of mutual respect – making sure everyone in the house feels comfortable and that your teen and their boyfriend/girlfriend’s relationship and behavior are appropriate while they’re under your roof. Cultural or religious beliefs may also play a role in guiding your decision. 

3. Setting an Example for Younger Siblings

Younger brothers and sisters often look up to their older siblings and they may assume that what’s allowed for their older brothers and sisters is also acceptable for them, even if they’re not mature enough or emotionally ready to handle it. Giving your teen total freedom to hang out with their significant other in their bedroom can blur the lines about what’s appropriate at different ages and stages. 

4. Trust

Is your teen responsible? Have they shown good judgment in the past and have they been honest about their relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend? You might feel more comfortable trusting them in this situation. Sneaky behavior in the past can be a big red flag. 

5. The Legal Side of Things

Is your 18-year-old son dating a minor? Then there are factors to consider especially if you suspect or know that sexual activity could be taking place. You definitely don’t want to potentially encourage intimacy by giving them total freedom behind a closed bedroom door. Talk to your teen, parents. There are potential legal issues surrounding the differing age of consent laws by state. 

6. Ultimately, It’s Your Call

Maybe you just don’t feel comfortable with your teen and their boyfriend or girlfriend having that much privacy in your home, whether you put stipulations in place or not. Just remember parents, this is your castle, your rules. It doesn’t matter what other parents allow in their home or whether your teen agrees with you or not, you have the final decision.

Let’s talk about some rules and potential compromises:

1. Shared Hangout Space

If hanging out in their bedroom isn’t something you’re comfortable with, encourage your teen and their boyfriend or girlfriend to spend time in common areas like the living room or the kitchen.

Of course, don’t hover (no teen likes that), but an occasional “popping in” can deter a lot of behavior. The “common area” location also allows you and other siblings to get to know the other teen better.

2. Time Limits

You can also set up specific hours when a boyfriend or girlfriend is allowed to visit your home. It makes sense to avoid late-night visits, which might lead to less supervision and fewer boundaries. And these limits can lead to better sleep for you!

3. An Open-Door Policy

A lot of parents deal with this issue by allowing dating teens to hang out in a bedroom while also requiring the bedroom door to remain open at all times. This provides some privacy while still being within earshot (or view) of the room. 

Whether you allow your teen’s boyfriend or girlfriend in your teen’s room is a personal parenting decision. But it can be helpful to sit down with your teen and have a calm, rational conversation so they understand your reasoning.

However, despite your best efforts to explain your “why,” some teens might keep pushing the issue. Remember that it’s your home, and you have the right to establish rules that align with your values and/or comfort level.

Also, remember…  this is a great opportunity to talk openly about sex and consent especially if you haven’t broached these topics yet with your teen or you feel you need to dive a little deeper into the subject. 

You may think they learned everything in Sex Ed classes or that they can find the information they need online, but you might be surprised at what they still don’t know, or what questions they might want to ask, given the opportunity. 

Your parenting values, your teen’s maturity level, and their specific relationship situation will help you determine how much privacy you are willing to extend in your home.

In the end, it’s less about establishing strict rules and more about figuring out what works for your family. You have to be fully comfortable in your decision and navigating this step as your teen matures and enters the dating world. 

About Marybeth Bock

Marybeth Bock, MPH, is a Mom to two young adults and one delightful hound dog. She has logged time as a military spouse, childbirth educator, college instructor, and freelance writer. She lives in Arizona and thoroughly enjoys research and writing – as long as iced coffee is involved. Her work can be found on numerous websites and in two books. Follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

If you enjoyed reading, “The Great Debate: Should You Allow Your Teen’s Boyfriend or Girlfriend in Their Room?” here are a few other posts you might like!

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