Has Your Teen Experienced Trauma? Here’s Why Parenting Them Might Look Different for You

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This Post: Has Your Teen Experienced Trauma? Here’s Why Parenting Them Might Look Different For You

Written By: Jessica Manning

In my career as a high school counselor, I’ve seen and heard countless buzzwords and acronyms relative to education. From “SEL” and “MTSS,” to “Student-Centered” and “Growth Mindset” – every veteran educator knows them all. 

But none of those buzzwords have been as impactful or meaningful in my approach with students and parents as one of the most educational and talked about buzzwords today: Trauma-Informed.

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Trauma-informed care when applied to teens means approaching their needs with an understanding that they may have experienced traumatic events, actively recognizing signs of trauma in their behavior, and responding in a way that promotes safety, stability, and healing while avoiding practices that could potentially re-traumatize them. 

What I’ve learned is that trauma can affect a child’s brain development, which includes their ability to learn, reason, and socialize positively. In fact, according to research, seven main areas of a child’s brain are neurologically impacted by trauma:

1. Sensory Development
2. Dissociation
3. Attachment Development
4. Emotional Regulation
5. Behavioral Regulation
6. Cognition
7. Self-Concept and Identity Development

A plethora of research exists on how trauma affects children, but I can tell you from my personal experience that the students I know who have experienced trauma struggle in one way or another.

From working closely with families of students who have experienced trauma, I have learned that trauma-informed parenting, just like trauma-informed educating, is different from raising and teaching children with little to no trauma in their lives. It just is.

Trauma – sometimes called Adverse Childhood Experiences or ACEs – refers to any difficult, violent, or scary experience a child may have been or is subjected to. According to the Center for Child Trauma Assessment, Services, and Intervention at Northwestern University, trauma for a child may include:

• Physical Abuse
• Sexual Abuse
• Emotional Abuse
• Emotional Neglect
• Mother Treated Violently
• Household Substance Abuse
• Household Mental IIlness
• Parental Separation/Divorce/Death

An ongoing ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) Study found that 65% of children experience at least 1 adverse event during their childhood and that nearly 40% of children experience at least 2 or more ACEs. The study also found that the greater the number of ACEs a child has been exposed to, the greater he/she is at risk for developing physical and mental health problems throughout their lifespan. 

While every teen is different, here are a few common responses to trauma.

• Strong emotions such as sadness, anger, anxiety, and guilt
• Overreacting to minor irritations
• Repetitively thinking about the traumatic event and talking about it often
• Withdrawing from family and friends
• Returning to younger ways of behaving including giving up responsibilities or a sudden return to rebellious behaviour
• Increased need for independence
• Self-absorption and caring only about what is immediately important
• Loss of interest in school, friends, hobbies, and life in general
• Pessimistic outlook on life, being cynical and distrusting of others
• Depression and feelings of hopelessness
• Difficulties with short-term memory, concentration, and problem-solving.

Trauma-informed might be a buzzword right now, but learning more about it has increased my empathy as a counselor for parents raising teens affected by trauma.

If this is you, know that I see you. 

Raising teens with trauma can be a lonely, exhausting road that entails challenges other parents might not comprehend or recognize – take normal teenage hardships and multiply the adversity that accompanies those by ten. 

As an effort to spread empathy, I asked several parents raising teens who have experienced trauma what they wish others understood about their kids and their parenting plight. 

One of my dear friends is raising four kids who have experienced trauma. The deepest desire of his heart is the need for compassion. He knows his kids are hard. He knows they are difficult to reason with. He knows they are spontaneous and don’t always understand cause and effect. He knows “nothing” gets through to them, at times. And knows they sometimes come across as having no moral compass. 

But he also knows the confusion they feel within. He knows the power of their insecurities and anxiety. He knows their inability to express their feelings during moments of heightened emotion and the remorse they feel after meltdowns.

He shared with me that he and his wife are “parenting their asses off every waking moment,” and he wishes others could have some compassion for the chaos in their home. They are trying hard to raise good humans.

One parent shared with me that she read a book by Ross Greene entitled, The Explosive Child, which was perspective-changing for her and her husband. Greene’s idea that “children do well when they can” explains that if a kid is doing the wrong thing, it’s because they lack the skills in that moment to do otherwise.

This idea helped her to go from blaming her daughter for apathy, immaturity, and disregard for rules to acknowledging her daughter’s lack of development of coping skills.  

Understanding that her daughter was not choosing rebellion helped her heart soften to the idea that her daughter was grasping to cope in a world that didn’t make sense to her. 

Another student’s parent said she wished others understood how much trauma changes the brain. She and her husband try hard to figure out ways to maintain a relationship with their kids, while also implementing discipline when choices are made that don’t align with their beliefs. They have to choose their battles with their kids because almost everything feels like one.

She shared that she tries hard not to wonder what teachers and other parents think of their parenting because she knows they cannot relate. But what bothers her more is thinking that others might think their kids are bad, in general. “Our kids are not bad kids; they are kids who are broken and in need of people meeting them where they are and showing them grace along with truth,” she said. 

The approach has to be different for kids who have experienced trauma. Expectations can be the same, but the process of reaching those expectations might be a little messier for kids trying to process through trauma.

READ: Supporting a teenager with a trauma-informed approach. 

One couple shared that their most stressful times are when they’re visiting families with similar-aged children. Other parents can’t relate to what they view as a “lack of discipline” and sometimes literally question their parenting. 

They understand that their kids can be “hard to love” sometimes, but they wish their own families, especially, would be more sensitive to their behavioral struggles and get to know their kids’ hearts better. One mom stated that sometimes she wished ‘trauma’ had a look, because if others could see it, maybe they’d be more sympathetic.

For me, trauma-informed isn’t simply a professional development buzzword. Learning about how trauma affects children’s brains has increased my capacity to love and accept some of my most behaviorally challenged students and to empathize with their parents.

In every conversation I’ve had with the parents I interviewed, it was evident that they love their children deeply and are fighting for them. None of them aim to excuse their kids’ negative behaviors, but all of them could use some grace and compassion for how difficult it can be to raise teens affected by trauma. 

About Jessica Manning

Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis. 

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