Emotional Parentification: When Parent and Teen Roles Reverse (Why Teens Aren’t Equipped to Handle the Adult-Like Responsibility)

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This Post: Emotional Parentification: When Parent and Teen Roles Reverse (Why Teens Aren’t Equipped to Handle the Adult-Like Responsibility)

Written By: Jessica Manning

The first time I called Kate into my office, it was to discuss her attendance. Kate missed a lot of school, and as a result, she was struggling in multiple classes.

She was sweet and soft-spoken. Initially, she couldn’t explain to me why she missed so much school. We both knew it wasn’t due to illness, and she didn’t express any school anxiety. However, her absences kept accruing, as did her stress.

With time, I learned the real reason Kate was missing so much school.

It turned out Kate’s mom, who was sober at the time, was a recovering alcoholic with mental and physical health problems. Kate worried about her mom excessively and being the compassionate daughter she was, only felt comfortable when she could watch over her.

Despite several efforts to find resources for her family, Kate decided to unenroll from school and attend school online; eventually, she dropped out. I’ve wondered about her often in the past few years. Although I admired her selflessness and unwavering support for her mom, I couldn’t help but feel heartbroken for the way it completely disrupted her high school experience, prevented her from earning her diploma, and quite possibly altered the trajectory of her future forever. 

She sacrificed so much to take care of her mom. 

Sadly, Kate is not the only student with whom I’ve worked with as a school counselor who has played a similar role for their parents. Besides caretaker, add to those roles – confidant, therapist, companion, sounding board, and mediator, to name a few. 

As we watch our teens physically develop into their grown-up bodies, while also maturing emotionally, sometimes it’s difficult to remember that they are not adults. We need to take into account that their brains are not ready for adult-like processing, due to their developmental immaturity and lack of life experience. 

I’ve dealt with many situations similar to Kate’s where the parent and teenager have reversed roles, but I never realized there is a specific term for it. According to family therapist, Salvador Minunchin, “Emotional Parentification is when a child fulfills the role of a parent within the family subsystem.” 

Emotional parentification can happen for a variety of reasons. Sometimes parents are so busy that a teen feels obligated to take over the role of managing a home, and in a sense, providing physical and emotional support for a family. In some cases, when parents do not have other adults to confide in, they begin processing their emotions with their teens instead. 

This is the type of circumstance I hear about the most in my office – where parents are sharing their adult situations and emotions with their teens and looking for moral support, empathy, and even advice from them. Unfortunately, this creates a unique co-dependency between the parent and the teen.

I’ve never worked with a parent who intended to create this unhealthy role reversal. It oftentimes happens over time with a parent unknowingly adding adult-like pressure to their teen, simply by telling or asking too much of them. 

 It is a sensitive topic to address with both the parent and teen.

Usually, the teen doesn’t know any differently and can’t comprehend that their relationship with their parent might be considered inappropriate. Likewise, most parents in this situation do not regard their relationships to be one of role reversal and would instead regard themselves as being especially close to their child.

Parents need to understand why emotional parentification is harmful. If perchance, you’ve inadvertently crossed that boundary with your teen, consider these four potential ramifications:

When teens are consumed by their parents’ problems, they miss their short window of time to be carefree and to navigate their own challenges. Being a teenager is difficult enough without having to worry about finances, adult relationships, or others’ mental and physical health.

As parents, we can protect our teens from knowing too much. I understand they may need limited information, but not so much that they become consumed with worry about it. 

I recently had a student ask me if I could help him look online for apartments for his family. He was worried that they might be evicted in the upcoming months, and he wanted to have a backup plan. I said, “Don’t you think your Dad will find a place for you if that happens?” He replied that his dad was the one who asked him to look. So, together, we looked for apartments, while he was supposed to be in study hall finishing his homework. 

My heart hurt so much for this boy… especially when I thought about my own teen sitting in study hall doing his homework and talking with friends.

In every situation I’ve had with emotional parentification, I’ve found myself praising the teen for their selflessness, practicality, and maturity. “I don’t know many teens your age who…” I end up saying to all of them at some point. 

But those compliments become a bit convoluted when teens start to form their identity around being the caretaker. They learn to swallow their own emotions, so they can focus on their parents’ problems and life obstacles. As a high school counselor, I’ve seen firsthand the profound impact it has on teens I’ve worked with and it’s heartbreaking. 

3. Negative Impact on Mental Health

According to the Journal of Child and Family Studies, emotional parentification is associated with “increased symptoms of anxiety and depression in kids, higher levels of emotional distress, a lower sense of control over one’s life, and an increased likelihood of engaging in risky behaviors.” 

It’s difficult to thrive as a teenager when you can’t focus on being a teenager. I have a unique understanding of teenagers, because I view, firsthand, the complexity of managing academics, extracurricular pressure, and social relationships within a high school environment. It’s a lot for teens. Imagine adding to the pressures they already endure. It is no wonder that emotional parentification takes a toll on teens’ mental health. 

Teens who are used to taking care of their parents, and perhaps siblings, often find themselves in relationships where they’re caring for their significant other. Forming healthy relationships can be a struggle when you’ve grown up managing other people’s emotions while suppressing your own. 

Many teens who have had to take on adult roles find themselves in relationships with the potential to fix someone else’s problems. When I think of my prayers for my own children’s relationships, I hope they find someone who will equally covet their hearts. Teens who have been raised to give and give and give do not understand that they deserve the same in return. 

Please understand that I’m not judging. I realize certain life situations require teens to grow up quickly. But as much as we can, we have to protect our teens from adult-like problems for the sake of their own proper development, mental health, and happiness. 

Being a teenager is difficult enough; they have the rest of their lives to be adults. 

About Jessica Manning

Jessica is a high school counselor with over 20 years of experience working with teenagers. She earned an M.A. in school counseling and a B.A. in English and secondary education. Jessica is married to a high school principal and has three teenage boys; her current life revolves around all things teen. When not working or following her sons’ sporting events, Jessica appreciates any opportunity she gets to veg at home with her family and her dog, Phyllis. 

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